Love Advice: “Darling, No One Owes You Anything.” A Letter That Is Still Quoted
“Honey, No One Owes You Anything.” A Letter That Is Still Quoted In 1966, investment analyst Harry Brown wrote his nine-year-old daughter a Christmas letter that is still quoted today. He explained to the girl that nothing in this world, not even love, can be taken for granted.
Hello, my dear. It’s Christmas, and I have the usual problem – what gift to choose for you. I know what makes you happy – books, games, dresses. But I am very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you longer than a few days or even years.
I want to give you something that will remind you of me every Christmas. And you know, I think I’ve chosen the gift. I’m going to give you one simple truth that took me many years to learn. If you understand it now, you’ll enrich your life in a hundred different ways, and it will save you a lot of trouble in the future.
So here it is: no one owes you anything.
This means that no one lives for you, my child. Because no one is you. Every person lives for himself. The only thing he can feel is his happiness.
If you understand that no one should organize your happiness, you will be freed from expecting the impossible.
This means that no one is obliged to love you. If someone loves you, it means that there is something special about you that makes them happy. Find out what it is, try to make it stronger, and then you will be loved even more.
When people do things for you, it’s because they want to do them. Because there’s something important to them about you—something that makes them want to like you.
But not at all because they owe you.
If your friends want to be with you, it’s not out of a sense of duty.
No one has to respect you. And some people won’t be kind to you. But the moment you learn that no one is obligated to do you good and that someone can be unkind to you, you will learn to avoid such people.
Because you don’t owe them anything either.
Once again, no one owes you anything. You must become the best for yourself first and foremost. Because if you succeed, other people will want to be with you; they will want to give you different things in exchange for what you can give them.
And someone won’t want to be with you, and the reasons won’t be in you at all.
If this happens, just look for another relationship. Don’t let someone else’s problem become yours.
The moment you understand that the love and respect of others must be earned, you will no longer expect the impossible, and you will not be disappointed.
Others are not obligated to share their property, feelings, or thoughts with you.
And if they do, it will be because you earned it. And then you can be proud of the love you earned and the sincere respect of your friends.
But you can never take all this for granted. If you do, you will lose all these people. They are not “rightfully yours.” You have to achieve them and “earn” them every day.
It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that no one owed me anything.
While I thought I was entitled to it, I spent an awful lot of effort, physical and emotional, to get it.
But in reality, no one owes me exemplary behavior, respect, friendship, politeness, or intelligence.
And the moment I realized that I started getting much more satisfaction out of all my relationships. I focused on people who wanted to do the things I wanted them to do.
And it has served me well—with friends, business partners, lovers, vendors, and strangers.
I always remember that I can get what I need only if I enter the world of my interlocutor.
I have to understand how he thinks, what he considers important, and what he ultimately wants. Only then can I get from him something that I need? Only by understanding a person can I say whether I need something from him.
It’s not simple to sum up in one letter what I’ve learned over the years. But maybe if you reread this letter every Christmas, its meaning will become a little clearer to you each year. No one owes you anything.
