The Push-Pull Relationship Cycle & How To Overcome This Dynamic

The pursuer identifies a specific they wish to seek, after which they service conquering their low-self esteem for that to happen.

They place on an immaculate show. They will certainly provide themselves as mindful, considerate, charitable, as well as function their appeal perfectly.

They might also get expensive presents to win the puller over (who, in most cases, is the female companion).

The puller will be elusive as well as hesitant at first given that their deeply-rooted anxiety of abandonment makes them unwilling to begin an intimate relationship.

To them, being susceptible isn’t a choice so it takes a while before they let their guard down.

Ultimately, they choose to let go and accept the developments of the various other individuals as it begins to make them feel good regarding themselves.

Short-term happiness

The first-time companions participate in a physical relationship, it is exceptionally most likely everything will work out.

They are both blissfully delighted, ecstatic, and unconcerned about the upcoming push-pull cycle.

Currently, there isn’t a specified avoidant and also pursuer, that makes all of it so easy.

The time they invest with each other is loaded with ecstasy, ecstasy, and affection, as well as identified by little (if any kind of) talk about serious subjects.

They mainly go over superficial things, subconsciously avoiding the deeper things, as a result of their issues that they still haven’t divulged to each other.


After some time passes, the pursuer will certainly start feeling suffocated by the raising intimacy, as he thinks that it will unavoidably bring about enmeshment.

Enmeshment is a state in which the person is overwhelmed by feelings of restriction as well as confinement, which can all be mapped back to their anxieties of abandonment.

Now, they will try to get out of the partnership, or sometimes– take the strength down a notch. This makes them more distant and closed off.

As well as just like that, the emotional and also physical intimacy that was starting to become something genuine burst like a bubble.

See likewise: My Heart Is Weary: Acknowledge The Signs Of An Exhausted Spirit And Also Repair It


Here’s the best analogy wherefore happens during this stage of this back-and-forth dynamic.

Let’s say you take 2 magnets and route them both at each other. What inevitably happens? They drive away from one another, right?

Something along these lines takes place in the relationship and the puller now ends up being the pusher.

Currently, they are the ones craving the company of their partner.

And just like that, the tables have transformed, and the roles are turned around. Just currently, the pusher does not want to feel connected any longer.

At this point, they just wish to be laid off, which will be hard taking into consideration the efforts of their companion to obtain their undivided focus.

Now, they will take out even more.

For this reason the magnet analogy. The closer they are sharp at each other, the more they are driven away when they get also close.

One companion will be overly clingy and unable of being alone, which will certainly make the various others feel annoyed, surrounded, or slammed.


The relationship pattern continues.

The newly-turned pursuer places an end to their futile attempts to obtain closer to their partner as well as they start the process of removing.

This is done out of a demand for self-preservation.

Even though they are incredibly scared of abandonment, they will distance themselves so that the pain they unavoidably really feel is lowered to a minimum.

By doing this, if the connection reaches its end, they will have the ability to handle it much better.


Throughout this stage, the pursued companion is given the room they so seriously desired. Yet this, in turn, results in decreased affection.

Their undeviating anxiety of desertion becomes the very factor for their will certainly to give the connection one more go.

After experiencing a quick minute of being removed from their companion, they consider any type of sort of intimacy better than none.

Currently, they begin their search once again. They are vocal concerning their readiness to attempt once more, which is showcased in lush presents and also apologies.

While the other partner is (not surprisingly) hesitant to approve the olive branch, their need to feel wanted, looked after, and also not the only one means they let their partner back in.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to the basic human need for nearness.

As unwilling as one is to return to a push-pull partnership, it’s even more enticing than being alone.

Separating is seen as the most awful alternative, so anything aside from that is embraced in the hopes of being enough.


As can be anticipated, the partnership has lastly reached a duration of a comforting calmness and also joy.

The pusher is content that points are back to normal, without a high dosage of suffocating intimacy that would push them away.

And also the puller has overjoyed the connection hasn’t reached its end. So right now, both partners have backed down a little bit and also have ample space to take a breath.

You may have observed a strange point. Phases 1 and also 2 bear an amazing resemblance to phases 6 and also 7.

Surprisingly, they are almost the same with one (major) difference– the very first two phases are attached to a brand-new partnership.

After a while, the cycle remains to go back and forth, till one companion grows weary of it and also puts an end to the relationship.

If you desire to recover your connection in person without having to turn to a psychotherapist, here’s what I suggest you do.

6 Actions To Get Over The Push-Pull Dynamic


Be extra understanding towards your companion

Right now, you’re possibly really feeling a sense of alleviation enmeshed with a sense of perplexity.

You comprehend the poisonous nature of your connection better than before, however exactly how do you get out of this mess?

Simple. Whether you consider your own the pusher or the pursuer, take child steps.

First, welcome some much-needed compassion into your connection. Seek to comprehend your partner and their subdued issues rather than avoiding them.

Compassion is an essential factor in intimate connections, as well as it’s vital to breaking free from a push-pull partnership.

Attempt to understand where your partner’s concerns and also issues are coming from as well as help them overcome it all.

This shouldn’t be challenging considering that you’re dealing with your issues as well.

When companions are even more understanding toward each other, they have the ideal state of mind to repair what needs fixing.

Permit essential distance when needed

At times, this dynamic will verify to be greater than either of you bargained for. In these moments, time alone is vital.

Allow your companion to take a section of the day to themselves and recharge. And certainly, look for the very same in return.

While you’re doing this, put in the time to get to the bottom of what’s troubling them. Worrying about intimacy as well as abandonment isn’t a little problem.

Your partner could be experiencing again old wounds and their psychological health and wellness could be deteriorating, and also you would certainly be none the smarter.

It doesn’t take a partnership specialist to recognize when to back off as well as when to reach out.

All of us stress out sometimes, as well as it’s so essential that companions can comprehend that as well as take a go back.

Provide your steadfast assistance from a distance and let them get their head in order.

Respect their area, and just when they prepare, try to find a mutually-beneficial resolution to the problem.

Don’t see this brief time away as an indication of something being wrong. Instead, see it as an essential coping device that will certainly permit your partnership to blossom.

For things to return to the method they must be, you both require to function your very own stuff individually.

Work against the trouble, not each other


One of the most essential little relationship guidance I want you to take from all this is the following:

You are not the issue, and your partner is not the issue. It’s the toxic relationship dynamic you have created that’s the real trouble.

Beginning functioning as a team against the issue and stop going pointing fingers at each other.

You should not try to alter your partner nor ought to they attempt to change you.

Any type of sort of change requires to come from you. If it isn’t self-initiated, it’s never going to be what you require.

A relationship is a synergy. The concern needs to never lay with your partner or you.

It’s all about finding options that will certainly make you both happy, without giving up personal happiness while doing so.

Support your partner when they battle. Offer them words of inspiration when they falter and hold their hand when they’re at a crossroads.

When they do something good, praise them and also their efforts. Do not let anything go undetected. The little points matter the most.

Your push-pull cycle will certainly never be broken for as long as you keep seeing each other as the opponent. Your problems can be worked out.

You just both require to join in your initiatives to salvage something you both deeply want to enjoy for the near future.

Improve your self-esteem

In this instance, both you and also your companion are most likely to suffer from low self-confidence.

You are both plagued by your private collections of issues that are rooted in reduced self-confidence. This makes your problems appear much grander than they are.

Because of this, the pusher tends to turn to huge pronouncements and also grand motions of affection, as they don’t consider themselves worthwhile of love.

When it comes to their partner, it makes it testing for them to approve of their love because they recognize it’s only an issue of time before they pull away.

They take things to heart, which makes them feel far more pain and also jaded as soon as the cycle begins again.

However, if both companions pick to service their positive self-image, the emotional turbulence in their connection will wither for a little while.

Structure your self-confidence does not occur overnight, but if you truly intend to boost and also conquer your issues, it’s a trip you’re going to have to take.

Do not escape from vulnerability

At this moment, if something appears, it’s that both of you deal with serious and impenetrable intimacy issues.

As well as do you recognize what’s a huge part of that? Emotional susceptibility (or do not have thereof in your situation).

Physical intimacy likely doesn’t offer a problem for either of you, considering that it does not necessarily need to have to do with too many emotional proclamations.

You can take care of the physicality of it as it gives you pleasure principle without needing to dig much deeper (in your heart, of course).

But real emotional vulnerability presupposes opening your heart to a person and also outlining all of your worries, ideas, and also sensations you normally maintain hidden.

It indicates sharing points that aren’t easy, but you do it however because you know it’ll create a stronger bond with your partner.

It’s about linking on a spirit degree, which is not to be considered given. If your companion genuinely has your back, don’t flee from them.

Rather, practice being at risk with each other.

Share bits and also pieces of your spirits and reveal the depths of your love. Escaping from what terrifies you is easy.

However, sticking it out as well as being raw as well as genuine takes guts.

If you want to escape the continuous cycle of your push-pull relationship, you can not escape from this.

Ultimately, it’ll overtake you.

Approve their shortcomings and also praise their toughness

Part of the factor your dynamic is so unstable is the need for your partner needs to be remarkable in your eyes.

Subconsciously, you anticipate your companion to read your mind and recognize precisely what you want and also require at any type of certain time.

Yet what you fall short of recognizing is that nobody is perfect. Most of us have our shortcomings as well as more importantly, no one is telepathic.

So quit on your consistent need for your partner to be excellent as well as find out to approve them just the method they are.

As well how do you do that?

By being alright with their problems. By having a healthy and balanced state of mind that understands you’ll never find a person who is impeccable as well as to your precise taste.

By sustaining them in their hard times as well as commending their assets. Instead of being focused on the downsides, choose to see their good points.

Choose to commend every good idea they do, without nagging, criticizing, and also comparing them to anyone.

Your partner needs to feel approved as well as valued by you no matter their good sides or the poor.

I wager you have your very own collection of flaws that your companion does not emphasize on your face.

Do the same! Admiration and also not taking each other for granted will certainly do wonders for your connection.

Knowing that you suffice just the way that you are is past required.

Give a healthy, encouraging setting in which both you as well as your partner can prosper, as well as points will start enhancing all fronts.

Last Thoughts

adorable pair hugging outdoors with the lady making a funny face at the man

A push-pull connection is one identified by a consistent back-and-forth between partners who can not locate solid ground to stand on.

If you have identified yourself as well as your partner in this, hopefully, currently you see exactly how relatively very easy it is to damage complimentary as well as fix it.

It all boils down to empathy, acceptance, and allowing yourself the unpreventable susceptibility.

To recognize where your companion is coming from, you need to try to stand in their shoes. Where is their anxiety of intimacy rooted?

How long have they been plagued by feelings of not meriting?

Unless you function as a group against the issue, your chances of appearing on the other end are slim to none.

Ask on your own this: Is your connection worth fighting for and does it feel worth the struggle? If the solution is, of course, roll up your sleeves as well as reach work.

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top button