I Love You, But I’m Done

I am done going above and beyond and getting left behind.

I am done finding broken men who need me to fix them and then drain me of my energy and walk away with my heart.

I am done getting broken promises from men who claim to be honest and loyal but walk away as anything but.

I am done getting told that I am your soulmate, that I am beautiful, and that God couldn’t create a better woman for you, and yet here I am, crying in my pillow watching you carry on with someone else.

I am done feeling broken because you can’t keep your word.

I am done trying to overanalyze why I wasn’t enough for you.

I am done feeling betrayed and broken when I gave so much of myself to you.

I am done allowing myself to be your shoulder to lean on only for you to walk away and not be there for me.

I am done trying to make excuses for you while you were so unbelievably inconsiderate and uncompassionate when you left.

I am done trying to be loyal and loving to you when you took my trust and dismantled it.

Everyone has the right to choose who they want to spend their time with and invest in. This isn’t an Alanis Morisette song and I am not some fatal attraction psycho. You know me; you know my heart. You took three years to love me and understand who I am to the core. I gave respect, I walked away, I spent months working on me and crying alone, only to come out stronger, but damn it, you hurt me!

How did you think I deserved the shit storm you left? Why was it so easy for you to walk away and move on so fucking quickly? Why couldn’t you look me in the face when you broke up with me? I’m done holding on to you in the deep part of my heart and believing in you. I am done looking at the empty side of the bed you slept on and crying myself to sleep. I am done allowing every song to trigger my heart to wish you were next to me. I am done looking at the hundreds of pictures of you and I smiling together in an embrace and wondering if I was used.

Maybe I didn’t fit into the mold of your lifestyle and friends. Maybe I was fucking better than anything you could have believed and you took the easy and safe way out. Maybe you should have considered my feelings a bit more and realized how much you left me out towards the end. Maybe the first two years of amazing bliss we spent together was your limit, and you realized that this shit was real, and you were afraid of getting hurt yourself, so it was easier for you to detach. Maybe I gave you more love and respect than you’ve ever had and you didn’t know how to handle it. Maybe you felt like I invested too much of my happiness in you and that was too much pressure. Maybe you needed to see other women because I was the first woman after your divorce and your head wasn’t in the right place. Maybe you used me to get over your emotional vomit so you could emerge a better man. Maybe you needed a best friend coupled with amazing sex until you felt like you were ready to find yourself. Maybe you hyper-focused on me until you got bored and left. Maybe you truly loved me for a long time but got tired of the commute, the hassle, and just gave up. Maybe you just fell out of love with me because I gave love, because I was independent, because I was generous, because I gave my time, because I cared, because I gave you sex anytime you wanted it, and because I fucking loved you.

Here is something you won’t want to hear: I loved you, I was deeply attracted to you in every way, and I thought of you as my best friend. You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I thought of ways to look great for you and loved your hands all over me. I was a fierce protector of your dreams and I was genuinely interested in everything you had to say. I found you to be intelligent, rugged, sexy, kind and handsome. I raved about you to all of my family and friends. I stood up to my child for you and looked at you like my soulmate. I invested in you, and I would have walked across glass to be with you.

You made me feel more alive and loved than I have ever felt. You awakened a love that I never knew I had, then walked away. I deleted all your pictures, I put myself in therapy, I entered fitness competitions, I completed certifications that I started 10 years prior, and I made huge victories in my life that I never knew I was capable of.  And even though you left, even though you broke my heart, even though you left me in the cold, I love you.

I wish you well. You are an amazing person, lover, friend, and father. I am human, I am sad, I am hurt, and I am angry, but I am also your biggest supporter from afar, and I hope one day you will see that. But for now, I need to vent, because I deserve better.

I am done.

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