This Is Going To Break Me But Do It Anyway

Remember when you told me you were in this for the long haul? You probably don’t, but I do. Haul is such an awful word because you made it sound like I was dragging you down with me.

(You said you would do anything to protect me.)

Remember when you said you had never met anyone like me before? I know we both know that is true because there are no two people alike. You said it like a compliment but we both know it was only the truth.

(I have never met anyone like you either)

We were confused and we were both never truly honest. I told you what I thought I should say, being a girl- and you told me what you thought you should say, being the boy.

When a relationship ends, it really shatters me briefly. I am not sure if it is because I miss the person or the routine of the relationship with the potential of being it. Usually when a relationship ends, the best thing to do is to give yourself space from it all and cut all ties- but you and I could never fully cut all ties, and I thought there was something wrong with us or I was just weak.

When I first met you, my feelings for you were so strong. Everything I felt for you, I felt so deeply. You were my escape from a life of uncertainty and boredom. I thought I would feel that way for you- forever.

That did not turn out to be true, I met someone else after you and somehow, the once almost unbearable love for you did not consume me as much anymore. Finally, I understood how you can continue to have love for a person even if the intensity fades.

I am not sure what it is between us and I do not know if it is real, but I feel we have a connection that cannot be cut off even when the love fades and turns to pain or anger. I will always have compassion in your heart for you. It is not necessary that we ever see or talk to each other again to have that.

It is not a true love or a soulmate kind of connection- but the kind where even if you are not in my life, I will always feel this bond.

It is not the most powerful of bonds, but it is a bond that probably lasts forever. I think a lot of us feel this bond with our past relationships, but for me- I think it is only with you. The longer we distance ourselves, the easier it will be to forget each other’s details.

Soon, they will be memories that we cannot recall.

I always knew we wouldn’t last because neither one of us wanted it enough. We liked it mostly for what it looked like in our minds. Back then, how would I know?

I felt the news today that the space in your heart is taken that could never make enough room for me. With me, you always had to force yourself to love and with her, you are love itself and it is beautiful.

You told me that if you knew I was sad, you’d be sad so I am telling you that I am happy. You think this is going to break me but you have to do it anyway. It is the only way for you to live happily in the moment.

To tell you the truth and be completely honest, I gave you the permission to break me many times and you never did.

(You do not have to protect me anymore.)


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