New relationship, new happiness? Things don’t always go as smoothly as we would like. Sometimes we or our partner drag emotional baggage into the new dating adventure. Especially if a past relationship was particularly intense orpainful, it can take time until the heart is free for something new. But how do you know if your date is still clinging to the past? We have put together six signs that can help you to better assess the situation.
#1 Frequent mention of ex-relationship
If your date mentions the ex-relationship in almost every conversation, whether it’s about travel destinations, restaurants, or everyday situations, that’s a clear sign. Sentences like “Oh, this restaurant is great; I always went there with my ex” or “My ex would have hated this film” show how present this person still is. And of course, such constant mentions are not only uncomfortable for you but also indicate that your date is still mentally rooted in the past and may be used as a benchmark for new experiences.
#2 Comparisons between you and your ex
Direct comparisons like “You are much more understanding than my ex” or “In my last relationship, things were done completely differently” are more than just thoughtless. They show that your date is still looking at the new relationship through the lens of the old one. This can put you in an unfair competitive situation in which you constantly feel like you have to compete somehow. And it doesn’t matter whether the comparisons are positive or negative because ultimately they are a sign that the ex-relationship still takes up too much space in your date’s mind and prevents your relationship from developing freely and unburdened.
#3 Strong emotional reactions around the topic of ex-relationship
Watch out for extremely emotional reactions when the ex-relationship is mentioned—perhaps even just in passing. Sudden outbursts of anger, tears in the eyes or a noticeably nervous reaction at this point can be clear signs that the feelings are still very much alive and that a lot has not yet been processed. Of course, certain situations can bring up feelings again, but if your date is constantly reacting very emotionally, that already indicates that he or she is still in the middle of the process of processing the breakup. The only question is whether you want to be part of it…
#4 Contact with an ex is maintained
While friendly contact with ex-partners is not uncommon these days, alarm bells should ring if your date is constantly texting, talking on the phone, or even meeting up in secret with the person in question. Of course, it also becomes critical if he or she reacts nervously as soon as you bring up the subject. Obsessively following the ex’s social media activities can also be a sign that your date has not yet emotionally moved on from the person.
#5: Difficulty opening up emotionally
Do you notice that your date has problems getting emotionally involved or committing? Maybe you notice that he or she is constantly avoiding conversations about the future or is hesitant about taking the relationship to the next level. Phrases like “Let’s just see how it goes” or “I need a little more time” can indicate that the wounds from the past relationship have not yet healed properly and the fear of being hurt again is just too great. Understandable, but of course your own emotional needs must not be completely neglected.
#6 Extreme portrayal of the ex-relationship
If your date either overly idealizes the past relationship (“It was just perfect”) or portrays it in an extremely negative way (“It was the worst time of my life”), pay attention. Healthy processing of a past relationship usually involves a balanced view of what was. Idealization can cause your date to constantly search for a supposedly perfect standard and disregard what you have to offer. Extreme negativity, on the other hand, often indicates that there is still a lot of anger and hurt that needs to be processed. Both extremes can make it difficult to build a healthy new relationship.
Our advice
Do you recognize some of these signs in your date? Don’t panic! The most important step here is open and honest communication. Talk about your observations and feelings, but remain understanding. Give your date the chance to explain themselves and think together about how you want to deal with it. Everyone needs a different amount of time to process a past relationship. If you have the feeling that your date is interested in you but still needs time, patience could be worth it.
But always pay attention to your limits and needs. You deserve someone who is emotionally available and can fully commit to you. Sometimes that means giving the other person time, and sometimes it means standing up for yourself and moving on. Trust your intuition and don’t be afraid to seek professional help if the situation overwhelms you. A healthy, fulfilling relationship is based on mutual respect, trust, and the ability to look to the future together.
