Relationship Advice: Four Signs That a Man Has Started Cheating
Naive Chukchi girls, who think they have smelled life to the fullest and pretend to be experienced ladies on the Internet to the point of nausea, claim: If your man smells of someone else’s perfume and on the inside of his underwear is written in red lipstick, “Natasha was here,” the he is cheating. I swear he is cheating! In fact, these are all fairy tales. Of course, the perfume was poured on him by evil co-workers at work, the same ones to whom he “gave it to” at the New Year’s corporate party, and the memorable inscription was left by a proctologist’s nurse, simply out of her womanly meanness.
But seriously, neither perfume nor lipstick give away a man’s infidelity, no. These signs are empirical, if I may say so. Yes, yes, yes. I know I shouldn’t express myself like that, but I really like the word.
1st.
A man who is really cheating begins to develop his imagination; his perception of the world around him becomes more acute, and his vocabulary increases. He begins to describe each of his absences, tardiness, and disappearances from the Internet with passion and eloquence worthy of an ancient orator. In a normal state, a man does not notice cats fighting on the side of the road. Or sparrows occupying the porch of a small store. But if he needs to emphasize that he was there at that time, he will definitely mention something like that. As if in confirmation.
2nd.
A cheating man becomes dumber. This naturally follows from point number one. At a certain point, a man’s brain loses the ability to support all versions of his absences, compare them with what actually happened in life, and compile a digestible dish from all the ingredients. Therefore, a man begins to slow down—like a computer. At first glance, points one and two are incompatible, but in life they happen in 99 percent of cases. Otherwise, where would the phrase come from—darling, you are smart; think of it yourself?)
3rd.
A cheating man ages. Instantly. Only he thinks that he is getting younger. In fact, he begins to look younger, and this sharply emphasizes aging. So if you notice a bald spot on the top of your darling’s head that suddenly appeared, this is a reason to think. The bald spot was there before; the guy just had no reason to hide it, so no one noticed it.
4th.
He develops an acute mental disorder. He begins to consider himself Napoleon, Alexander the Great, and so on and so forth… This is a reason to worry. Because here he met a girl who regularly sings an aria—darling, you are the best! This, by the way, is already dangerous—because for some reason, darling immediately loses any motivation to continue developing. He is already the best. And you are a rare bitch who does not understand this. So if your houseman has such symptoms, go to the doctor immediately! Well, or get a divorce.
