Why can hot relationships go cold quickly?
“People are initially attracted to what eventually drives them apart.” So said a friend of mine during her sister’s divorce. I never understood the wisdom of her statement until I studied childhood trauma and attachment.
Why can hot relationships quickly cool down?
The human need to reframe attachment trauma is enormous, but because it is an unconscious tendency, people are not always aware that the attraction they feel for another person may be fueled by a desire to heal painful childhood wounds.
For example, if a person’s father is emotionally unavailable—that is, he constantly vacillates between neglect and refusal to idealize and control—the person may be attracted to a partner who acts similarly.
The trick is that many emotionally unavailable people begin relationships by courting their partner. By idealizing and showering their partner with the affirmation and validation they crave, the emotionally unavailable person easily entices their partner. However, once the emotionally unavailable party engages their partner in the relationship, he or she changes the game. Suddenly, he or she becomes dismissive and critical.
This causes the partner to panic because the love they so desire is being snatched away, which reawakens the trauma caused by the emotionally abusive parent. Instead of acknowledging the reality of the emotionally abusive relationship, the partner experiences acute emotional pain.
Additional control
The dynamic unconsciously reinforces the actions of the emotionally abusive parent, and to avoid pain, the partner tries to return to “favor,” which gives the dysfunctional person additional control.
Typically, the emotionally unavailable person reverts to the idealizing mode to manipulate their partner into staying with them. As the partner regains the “love” they desperately crave, they take the blame for the breakup and inadvertently give the emotionally unavailable person additional power.
This cycle usually continues and slowly undermines the partner’s self-esteem. The partner inevitably feels unfairly attacked by the emotionally unavailable person and reacts with resentment and anger.
An emotionally unavailable person typically reacts in two ways:
He or she either dumps the partner because the risk of being found out and losing control is too great or blames the partner for being “too emotional” or “too sensitive.” In either case, the “hot” relationship immediately cools down or ends.
Often people assume that an emotionally abusive person is constantly mean. However, if this were true, their manipulations would be easily exposed. The emotionally unavailable person’s pattern ranges from devaluation to idealization, which deceives the partner and makes him or her doubtful.
Here are some of the hallmarks of emotionally unavailable people:
- They go from loving you to disregarding you.
- They believe that they are right and have difficulty understanding their partner’s point of view if it differs from their own.
- This is their way.
- Resolving the conflict is almost impossible, and simple disagreements develop into nightmarish disputes.
- They play the victim to gain sympathy and avoid responsibility for their actions.
- Such people show compassion, but they lack it.
- They make the partner feel ashamed.
If a person has had or has had a difficult relationship with a parent, talking to a therapist can help. Understanding childhood trauma can shed light on the manipulations of an emotionally unavailable partner. Strong and true love is possible with the right person.
Emotionally unavailable people tend to cause great harm to their partners, both consciously and sometimes unconsciously. They keep running from their past and transfer emotional trauma to their partners. This will never yield good results.
The best way to deal with all of this is to go to therapy and face your feelings. Once you do, everything will fall into place.
