When you start dating someone, you often start imagining your future together. What if you move in together one day? What if you get engaged? Would you ever have children together? Hmmmm, what could their names be? Your mind can start running wild with possibilities.
But before you start making plans to head to the altar together, there are some important questions that you will want to ask. When you fall head over heels for someone, you can get so excited that you don’t stop to think about whether or not you two are really on the same page. Does he really see the same future as you do? Does your family actually like him? Do you two even have the same goals in mind?
These are all important questions to consider, among many others. If you’re going to start planning your future together, you want to make sure that you would both be genuinely happy with the same things! Otherwise, it’s just never going to work out. Here are 15 essential questions that you both have to answer “yes” to for your relationship to work—if either of you answer “no” to any of them, it’s time to leave!
15Do you have similar goals for the future?
Have you ever sat down to think about what you REALLY want for your future? Not just what society says you should want, but what you feel in your heart is right for you. Many young people don’t take the time to do this until they are out of college. We often end up spending time with friends or dating people who are not really on the same path as us. We can waste our time with a group who is going on a completely different track and become distracted from our real goals. It’s very important to ask yourself if you and your boyfriend really want the same things for the next five years or so. If you don’t, you may be happier with other people.
14Does he respect his mom?
If a guy does not respect his mom, he probably does not respect women overall. This is a major red flag. If he does not even respect the woman who raised him, is he really going to respect you? If you see your boyfriend acting nasty towards his mom, it might be time to do a little digging and find out if he has a legitimate reason to dislike her, or if he actually has a mean side that he tries to keep hidden from you. For example, some people are mistreated by their parents while growing up, and therefore, they may not get along with them later in life—this is perfectly understandable. But if your boyfriend had a happy childhood and acts rudely towards his mom, just get out.
13Can you trust him to pay you back?
When you’re young, you typically do not worry about money as much as adults do. You may have your parents supporting you, or you may be working an entry-level job with a low salary but enjoying fewer living expenses. If you don’t have children or a mortgage, your money worries are generally easier to deal with! Because of this, it’s easy for young people to overlook their significant other’s bad financial habits. You might brush them off because neither of you have to cover a lot of expenses yet—but if you move in with your boyfriend and he suddenly can’t find money for rent, it will be an issue! Stick with a guy who can actually manage to save a little money—you’ll be thankful in the future.
12Does he have a good work ethic?
This is another quality that is very easy to overlook when you’re young. For example, let’s say that you’re in college, and your boyfriend is a slacker. Maybe he sleeps through his classes sometimes, and his grades are just okay. Maybe he doesn’t have much interest in getting a part time job, either. It may not seem like a big deal while you’re still in school, but if you stay with a guy like this after you graduate, you could run into some serious problems if he does not get his act together! You definitely want to be in a long term relationship with a guy who has a good work ethic. If he is a lazy procrastinator, don’t expect him to put too much effort into your relationship!
11Does he encourage you when you talk about your goals?
If your boyfriend laughs at your dreams and goals, just pack your bags and walk out the door. You need a guy who encourages you, not a guy who discourages you! When you’re totally blinded by lust, it can be easy to brush dismissive comments aside. For example, you may tell your boyfriend that you would really like to take an art class to improve on your painting skills, and maybe someday, you would even like to sell some of your work. And now let’s say that instead of telling you, “Wow, that sounds like a cool idea!” he laughs and comments, “I don’t know, that sounds a little silly.” Hmmm, might be time to reevaluate that relationship. You need a guy who lifts you up, not a guy who brings you down.
10Does he get along with your best friend?
Look, this may not seem fair to you, but if a guy does not get along with your best friend, even after you have been dating for a while, the relationship is probably not destined to last. Your best friend knows you better than anyone else on earth, and if she is a truly good friend, she only wants what’s best for you! If she knows that this guy is bad news, it would serve you well to listen. Plus, no one likes to deal with conflicts between their best friend and their boyfriend. It’s such an annoying situation to be caught in the middle of. Do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life? If these two can’t get along, he might have to go.
9Does he have dreams and passions of his own?
This is super important. The happiest relationships always involve two people who feel whole and complete on their own. If your boyfriend depends on you for his happiness, the relationship is going to fall apart. Being overly dependent is not a good trait. This means that your boyfriend will always be putting a lot of pressure on you to keep things fun and exciting, to give him direction in his life, and to keep the relationship going. Who wants to deal with that for years on end? Plus, if your boyfriend doesn’t have his own goals to work towards and his own hobbies, he’ll always be clinging to you out of sheer boredom. This is an easy recipe for disaster—you will end up feeling suffocated.
8Does he take care of you when you’re sick?
If a guy doesn’t take care of you when you’re sick, he is not worth your time. Look, we’re not saying that he has to swoop in and handle all of your needs like he has a medical degree (although, bonus points on this question if is in med school). But does he at least text you to check in throughout the day and come by to spend time with you when he has a break in his schedule? Would he make you some chicken soup? Here’s the thing—you need a guy that you can depend on when times are hard for you. If you can’t even trust that he’ll sit with you and make you tea when you’re sick, can you trust that he’ll be there if something really bad happens?
7Do you like hanging out with his friends?
Look, if you can’t stand your boyfriend’s friends, your relationship is going to be a struggle. First of all, you are not going to want to spend time with them and do things as a group. This will also probably put stress on your boyfriend because his friends will inevitably begin to wonder why you seem to avoid them. This could also be a big red flag that your boyfriend has a dark side which he tries to keep hidden around you. There is a saying about how our friend groups can influence us: “You are the average of the five people that you spend the most time with.” If your boyfriend hangs out with rude, obnoxious people, what does that really say about his personality?
6Does he stick to plans that you make together?
If your boyfriend acts like a total flake, it’s going to get old, fast. Now, not everyone is a super type A planner. Some people are just more laid back and low maintenance, and that is perfectly fine! But there is a difference between being chilled out and being a flake! If you are always trying to plan nice dates for you and your boyfriend, and he consistently has a last minute excuse for why he can’t make it, it’s definitely a red flag. Do you really want to put up with a guy who can’t even commit to a couple date nights each month? We’re going to guess that the answer is no. Date a guy who can actually stick to a plan and show up on time!
5Does he respect your boundaries?
A guy who disrespects your boundaries is NEVER worth your time. This doesn’t just apply to physical intimacy either! Now, we all know that a guy who gets pushy during a hook up is bad news. But what about boundaries in other parts of your life? For example, let’s say that you and your girlfriends get together every Friday night to pig out, watch movies, and catch up on each other’s lives. If your boyfriend is suddenly not okay with that, he’s crossing a line there. You’ve blocked out time on Friday with your girls, and he’s trying to interfere. Boundaries are very important—we set boundaries to indicate our priorities. Basically, if your boyfriend disrespects your boundaries, he’s saying that the things you find important don’t matter to him.
4Is he okay with spending time apart?
Trust us, you do not want to be saddled with a clingy guy for the rest of your life. Let’s say that you decide to take a vacation for just one week with your best friend. You tell your boyfriend that you will keep in touch with him via text, call him a couple times to keep him up to date on what you guys are doing, and show him all of your fun vacation pics when you get home. Sounds pretty reasonable, right? Any decent guy would be happy with that. But a clingy guy will text you every hour of the day, grilling you about what you’re doing and who you’re with, asking you if you’re hanging out with any new guys…yea, no one wants to deal with that.
3Does he trust you to have other guy friends?
Even if you are in a long-term, committed relationship, you are absolutely allowed to have other close guy friends. Of course it’s always important to maintain appropriate boundaries with them—you don’t want to get flirty and give them the wrong idea—but just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean that you can’t have guy friends. That’s just ridiculous. If your boyfriend always gets super jealous of your male friends, even if you have given him absolutely no reason to mistrust you, then he has some of his own issues to work on. It probably means he is very insecure about himself and about your relationship. Maybe you can work through it, but sometimes you need to walk away from the relationship in this case to give him room to grow.
2Does he remember your birthday?
We’ve all heard those horror stories about boyfriends forgetting birthdays! It may seem like a little thing to some people, but it’s actually very important. Your birthday is one of the most special days of the year for you. And it’s an opportunity for your friends, family, and significant other to show you how much they care about you and do something nice for you! If your boyfriend totally forgets your birthday, well, you have every right to get upset! And the kind of guy who forgets your birthday probably forgets other important dates, too, like your anniversary. Wouldn’t that get super annoying after a while? You want to stick with a guy who has these dates committed to memory—it’s a sign that he truly cares!
1Does he surprise you every once in a while?
Now, we’re not saying that you should expect fancy jewelry, flowers, and expensive chocolates all the time. That would be a little over the top! But it’s nice to be with someone who likes to surprise you every once in a while. If you’re dating a guy for a long time, it’s easy to slip into a rut and let things get boring. You both need to put in an effort to keep your relationship feeling spontaneous and exciting! That means surprising each other sometimes—maybe you plan an unexpected date night, maybe he has your favorite dinner ready for you when you get home from work (complete with your favorite ice cream in the freezer, of course), maybe you leave each other cute little notes around the house. Whatever you do, it’s important to keep the spark alive!
