Aries: Dishonesty

(March 21st to April 19th)

There are four things you can’t live without: air, water, food, and lying. You lie to make yourself look better, you lie to make others look worse, you lie to get yourself out of trouble, and you lie to get others into trouble. You lie like you breathe.

Suggestion: Take a deep breath and stop lying. People would like you a lot better if they could trust you.

Taurus: Compulsiveness

(April 20th to May 21st)

Yes, you promised to lose weight this year, but when’s the next time you’ll get a chance to order a slice of cake with butterscotch frosting? And sure, you vowed to save money, but there’s nothing wrong with blowing $300 on pair of jeans that make your ass look that good. You promised yourself you’d quit arguing on the Internet, but they criticized your makeup—in front of the whole world!

Suggestion: Step back and wait a few moments the next time you feel compelled to do anything that will make your life worse.

Gemini: Anger

(May 22nd to June 21st)

Did you see that guy—the guy who just cut you off in traffic? Who the hell does that guy think he is?!? You were driving safely and obeying all laws, and he nearly drove you off the road! Does he think he can just get way with that? Oh, he fucked with the wrong girl this time! Let’s hope we both get stuck at a red light, because you have a clawhammer right under your seat.

Suggestion: That guy is rushing to the hospital because his wife had a medical emergency. It has nothing to do with you. Calm down.

Cancer: Pride

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

The reason they say that pride goes before a fall is because you hold your nose so high in the air, you don’t see that you’re about to walk off the side of a cliff. You can’t admit being wrong, you don’t like taking orders, you think you’re far better than you actually are (sorry, hon, but look up “Dunning-Kruger effect”), people don’t admire you nearly as much as you think they do.

Suggestion: Listen to your friends, especially when you don’t want to listen to them, because that’s the sign that they’ve hit a nerve and have a point.

Leo: Laziness

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Out of all the zodiac signs who are reading this article at the moment, you are the only one who is currently asleep. When you wake up and finally read this, the other signs will be out building houses and learning languages and doing yoga and lifting weights. After reading this, you will grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and open Netflix on your laptop.

Suggestion: Get up every morning at 6AM and run a mile. Do it for a month. And that’s where you start.

Virgo: Selfishness

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

Did you really have to eat the last donut? You know he wanted the donut. He asked you to leave the donut for him when he got home from work. And to be fair, he was the one who bought the donuts. Via text message, you promised him that you would save him the last donut. You could have eaten the apple. Or the avocado. But instead, you ate the last donut. This is worse than when Eve ate the apple.

Suggestion: Every once in a while you should realize that it’s better to make others happy than to yield to every temptation. Next time, leave him the last two donuts.

Libra: Stubbornness

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Yes, everyone realizes you feel like you did nothing wrong, but they all disagree with you. As you see it, this is a free country, and if you want to show up to your aunt’s funeral in short-shorts and flip-flops, that’s just a healthy expression of your own personality and style, which is exactly why your aunt liked you in the first place. Sure, everyone else was in formal dress, and yeah, maybe you offended your uncle, but you’re not going to apologize, not in this life or the next.

Suggestion: Apologize for wearing short-shorts and flip-flops to your aunt’s funeral. C’mon.

Scorpio: Self-Pity

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Boy, life dealt you a rough hand, didn’t it? You’ve been through pain and rejection and trauma and heartache that no one else will ever come close to understanding, which is why you have so much trouble with friendships and relationships—they just can’t understand. No one will ever understand what you’ve been through? How could they? They’ve had easier lives than you have.

Suggestion: They understand perfectly. They understand that you feel sorry for yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Sagittarius: Fear

(November 23rd to December 21st)

Your great failure in life—if you choose to yield to it—will be the fact that you’re too scared to take risks. After all, when you take risks, bad things can happen. People can get hurt. You can fail. You can think badly of yourself. But you fail by default for not even being brave enough to take risks. You’d rather experience nothing at all than experience something bad.

Suggestion: Life is shorter than you think. The only thing you’ll regret as your life nears its end is being afraid to do everything you always wanted to do.

Capricorn: Indecision

(December 22nd to January 20th)

Do you want to be independent, or do you want to get married and have kids? Do you want excitement, or do you want stability? Do you want to live deep in the heart of the city or way out in the country? Do you want to answer, like maybe even one of these questions?

Suggestion: Life comes at you fast. One wrong turn and you can get lost forever. Decide on what you want and pursue it.

Aquarius: Insecurity

(January 21st to February 18th)

You are your own worst enemy. You sell yourself short. You are better-looking than you think you are—everyone says so, but you won’t believe them. You are smarter than you think you are—at least that’s what the test scores say. People admire you far more than you ever suspect they do.

Suggestion: Don’t go getting cocky or anything, but we all feel you’re pretty damned great. Quit beating yourself up.

Pisces: Loyalty

(February 19th to March 20th)

It sounds like a weird personality flaw to have—especially since it’s your worst one—but girl, you’re far too loyal. You cut people way too much slack. You forgive them when they don’t deserve it. You stick by them when they need to be abandoned. And although your intentions are good, you’re the one who winds up getting hurt.