Relationship Advice: Here He Is, The Silent Killer, Capable Of Destroying Any Relationship!

A deadly poison that strikes any relationship to the very heart.

When my wife and I were first married, we attended a seminar on providing psychological support to victims of modern human trafficking (especially sexual ones).   In his speech, the presenter asked the audience what the main cause of divorce was.  Having just completed a course of premarital counseling, I felt like an expert on marriage. I quickly stuck out my hand and shouted,  “ Sex, money, and communication !”  Then I looked at my wife and broke into a satisfied grin. Elementary. “Wrong,” the presenter barked. “Those are just symptoms of the real problem.”  Oops. I screwed up.

Not only was I taught a lesson in humility, but the host’s words changed my life! The best advice your young, disobedient servant-newlywed had ever received.  So he said:

“Marriages end in divorce for one reason and one reason only:  high expectations .”

I was shocked.

This revelation simply did not fit into my inexperienced head. What was said next, I do not remember. I was too immersed in thoughts about all those inflated expectations that I had already encountered in the first month of my married life.

Since that seminar six years ago, I have seen enough of the pain and disappointment that comes from unrealistic expectations—not just in marriage, but in any relationship. It is a deadly poison that strikes at the heart of any relationship.

But high expectations aren’t just a problem in marriage. They’re a problem in our entire lives.

It doesn’t matter if you are single or married, employed or unemployed, old or young… Inflated expectations are the scourge of every person. No one is immune from them.

So what is the solution?

I am a mathematician by nature. I love equations. I love to count, and in school, my favorite subjects were algebra and higher mathematics (although now I couldn’t solve a problem in higher mathematics even under pain of death).

So I made an equation.

EXPECTATION – OBSERVATION = DISAPPOINTMENT.

What does this mean? Below I describe two hypothetical situations.

Expectation.

When I come home from a long day at work, I EXPECT my wife to have made dinner so we can sit down and eat as a family. She will have a spotless apron (she’s perfect) and her hair will be perfectly done.

Meanwhile, my 16-month-old daughter will sit in her high chair and eat with cutlery without spilling anything past her mouth, so there’s no cleaning up to do. Then we’ll all finish eating at the same time and head out for a family stroll in the Colorado sun while the butler (yes, that’s not a typo: BUTLER) cleans up the kitchen and gets the house ready for the evening’s chores

Observation.

I come home half an hour later, and not only is there no dinner, but there is no sign of it. Because of this, the little one screams like crazy, demanding with gestures:  “ More! I want it! Eat!”

I go looking for my wife and find her working on a design project, trying to meet a deadline that has, strictly speaking, already passed. When I ask, “What’s for dinner?” she responds with the withering look of an overtired, overworked work-at-home mom.

I pick up the baby and go into the kitchen, where I find an abundance of EMPTINESS. So, like a real man with a knack for cooking, I stop my gaze on the cheese and bread.  “ Hot sandwiches!” I exclaim.

I sit my daughter down in the chair, which sends her into an indescribable rage. I quickly hand her a bag of applesauce. She calms down… for a while.

I’m making hot sandwiches. Everyone’s eating. The kitchen is a mess. Toys are scattered across the living room floor, just waiting for someone to step on them and break an ankle. My wife and I plop down on the couch, avoiding eye contact and showing no inclination to clean up the kitchen.

I could go on and on, but you already get the idea.

DISAPPOINTMENT = the difference between the first and the second.

It’s a tricky illustration, I know. But I’m just trying to show how our expectations can be out of sync with our reality – what we observe.

(NOTE: This illustration is not at all representative of my real life. It is either wrong, greatly exaggerated, or spot on. I haven’t decided yet.)

Antonio Banderas said it best:  “ Expectation is the mother of disappointment.”

In short: in lif,e we ​​often have inflated expectations, which ultimately leads to disappointment.

But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Here’s the solution: OBSERVATION must come before WAITING. Period. In other words, let life take its course.

Some will say that we should abandon expectations altogether. But I wouldn’t go that far. I think healthy, realistic, vocal expectations are good to have. They are something to strive for.

But if you find yourself in a situation where your expectations are too high, rely on observation. Drop your expectations and accept reality as it is.

Tired of disappointments? Let go of your high expectations and face reality. Then talk to the person who didn’t live up to your expectations and explain what you expect from them and why.  Do you think this is sound advice? Share it with your friends!