Narcissism in relationships is a complex topic because it involves one partner with traits that often revolve around self-centeredness, a need for admiration, and sometimes a lack of empathy. However, not all people with narcissistic tendencies are the same, and it’s possible for relationships with them to work – under certain circumstances. To understand when a relationship with a narcissist can succeed or fail, it’s important to dive into the nature of narcissism and how it affects the dynamics between two people.
What is Narcissism?
At its core, narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of consideration for others’ feelings. Narcissists often believe they are superior to others and may expect special treatment. However, it’s crucial to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum. While some people may have narcissistic tendencies, others may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a more extreme and damaging form of narcissism.
When a Relationship With a Narcissist Can Work
Though relationships with narcissists are often challenging, there are some situations in which they can work, provided that certain factors are in place.
1. Awareness and Effort: If the narcissistic individual is aware of their tendencies and is willing to work on them, there’s a chance that the relationship can survive. Therapy or counseling can help the narcissistic partner recognize their behavior, learn to empathize, and develop healthier ways to relate to their partner. In these cases, the narcissist may make efforts to control their need for attention and admiration and become more open to their partner’s needs.
2. The Other Partner’s Understanding: For a relationship with a narcissist to work, the non-narcissistic partner must have a deep understanding of what narcissism is and how it affects their partner’s behavior. They must be patient and emotionally strong, as they may often feel neglected or underappreciated. Understanding that the narcissist’s behavior stems from their personality disorder, rather than a conscious desire to hurt their partner, can help the non-narcissistic partner manage their expectations and develop coping mechanisms.
3. Boundaries and Communication: Healthy boundaries and open communication are crucial in any relationship but especially when one partner has narcissistic tendencies. The non-narcissistic partner must set clear boundaries regarding acceptable behavior and ensure their own emotional needs are met. This may involve firm communication about behaviors that are hurtful or destructive. Both partners must be willing to engage in discussions and compromises to make the relationship more balanced.
When a Relationship With a Narcissist Can’t Work
On the flip side, many relationships with narcissists fail due to the deep-rooted nature of their behavior. These are some of the reasons why relationships with narcissists often don’t last:
1. Lack of Empathy: One of the hallmarks of narcissism is a lack of empathy, meaning the narcissist may struggle to understand or care about their partner’s feelings. This can create a deeply imbalanced relationship where the non-narcissistic partner feels emotionally neglected and unimportant. Over time, this emotional void can cause the relationship to crumble, as the narcissist continues to prioritize their own needs without regard for their partner’s well-being.
2. Manipulation and Control: Narcissists can be manipulative and controlling, using tactics like gaslighting (making the other person question their reality) to maintain power in the relationship. This creates a toxic dynamic in which the narcissist’s partner feels trapped, confused, and emotionally drained. Relationships built on manipulation and control are unsustainable because they strip one partner of their autonomy and dignity.
3. Constant Need for Validation: Narcissists often have an insatiable need for admiration and validation, and their partners may feel like they can never provide enough praise or attention. This can lead to the narcissist seeking validation from outside sources, which may result in infidelity or emotional affairs. The constant pressure to fulfill the narcissist’s endless need for validation can be exhausting and demoralizing for the partner, leading to the breakdown of the relationship.
4. Refusal to Change: If the narcissistic partner refuses to acknowledge their behavior or seek help, the relationship is unlikely to work in the long term. Narcissists who are not willing to change often continue their destructive patterns, leaving their partner feeling isolated, frustrated, and emotionally abused. Without a willingness to change, there is little hope for growth or improvement in the relationship.
When to Walk Away
It’s important to recognize when a relationship with a narcissist has reached a point where it can’t be salvaged. If the narcissistic partner is emotionally abusive, manipulative, or shows no signs of wanting to change, it may be time for the non-narcissistic partner to walk away. Staying in a relationship where one’s emotional needs are consistently neglected can lead to long-term emotional damage.
Walking away from a relationship with a narcissist is often difficult because narcissists are skilled at making their partner feel guilty, dependent, or responsible for the relationship’s failure. However, it’s crucial to prioritize one’s mental and emotional well-being. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be essential during this time.
Can Narcissists Love?
A common question is whether narcissists are capable of love. The answer is complex. While narcissists may feel attachment or affection for their partner, their love is often conditional. It may be based on how the partner fulfills their needs or makes them feel admired. True, selfless love, where the partner’s happiness is a priority, is often challenging for narcissists due to their focus on themselves. However, with therapy and self-awareness, some narcissists can learn to develop healthier, more empathetic forms of love.
Conclusion
Narcissism in relationships is a double-edged sword. On one side, relationships with narcissists can work if there is awareness, effort, and a commitment to change. On the other side, the lack of empathy, manipulative behaviors, and refusal to change can make these relationships deeply toxic. For those in a relationship with a narcissist, understanding the nature of narcissism and setting firm boundaries is critical. However, it’s equally important to know when the relationship has become too damaging to continue. If the narcissistic partner is unwilling to change or the emotional toll becomes unbearable, walking away might be the best choice for long-term happiness.
