Are you a Buffy fan? Do your interests also include speaking at length about natal charts at parties? Then look no further! Let me welcome you to a place where Buffy The Vampire Slayer and astrology collide! — the article you never knew you needed. Just sit back, relax, grab your goblet of blood (or wine) and commune with the stars! Or sod off, I don’t care.
SAGITTARIUS: XANDER
(November 23rd to December 21st)
Woo, you got Xander! Let’s have another…woo? You’re the philosophical one; spraying words of wisdom all over the place. Is spraying a good word for that? Sometimes your schemes, I mean, theories, are a little zany, but I bet they called Albert Einstein crazy too! Crazy like a fox. Your boundless energy means you’re constantly on the move — in a good way. You’re not running away from the demon, you’re merely running around. A compulsive reinvent-er, it’s not unusual for you to be a streetwise bartender one day and the next, a friendly and totally not creepy suburban ice cream man (or woman!) Furthermore, Sagittarius people are not well known for their tact. Sometimes words just fall out. That’s cool though. It shows how you play things off the cuff. I like that. With a great sense of humor to boot — Oh! you should be a comedian next! Wait… no, you kind of have to be mildly depressed for that. Gah! Never mind.
Your Buffy quote: “Generally speaking, when scary things get scared – not good.”
TAURUS: CORDELIA
(April 20th to May 21st)
Fuck the haters. You’re just out here trying to live your truth by being the hottest person on the planet, and SOME people (not going to name any names) are trying to bring you down with all their problems and feelings. A bit materialistic, yes, but you just know how to play the game. To make it in this world, you gotta have the shoes to match. Those born under the Taurus sign can be rather selfish but are no strangers to some surprise generosity. Because what’s better than a birthday card full of money? Let’s be REAL. And you do tend to use your wit and cold-hearted honesty to deflect people from actually probing too much about your life. I mean, who wants to ever deal with all that gross stuff below the surface. Not me! You got a tough shell cuz it’s a tough world, ok? Also, crying in public is NOT a good look, especially with this cute Gucci dress.
Your Buffy quote: “Ouch!!! Please get your extreme oafishness off my two hundred dollar shoes.”
VIRGO: GILES
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
Oh dear, you’re Giles. It would only make sense that you’re the rock (and father figure) of this group. As a Virgo (and Watcher), you excel in being analytical, hardworking, and practical. You’re prone to planning things out and staying focused. There’s no room for surprises. Subsequently, you don’t like being the center of attention as you shy away from the spotlight. But what’s with all these people calling you un-fun? You can be fun! You can be wild! I mean your friends used to call you “Ripper” so put whatever that means into your pipe and smoke it! Wait no, it’s probably best to avoid smoking. I hear it’s quite harmful. Nevertheless, you do tend to be worrisome and overly critical due to the high expectations set for yourself (and everyone around you!). You believe that emotions cloud your decision making so they are best left undiscussed. Would you talk to Buffy about how you felt when you and her mother got together and, um, no, we shouldn’t discuss such matters. It’s too vulgar. Regardless, you are a DO-er! And without you, no one would ever get a single blasted thing done. All work and no play makes Jack…a very successful member of society thank you very much.
Your Buffy quote: “Remember you have a sacred duty to perform. Don’t stick your elbows out.”
AQUARIUS: DRUSILLA
(January 21st to February 18th)
Oooh, me head is all sorts of tingly now. Maybe it’s because you got Drusilla! You’re the moony, slightly unhinged vampiress who floats around barefoot. A bit unorthodox and Bohemian, sure, but you are at least original. Aquarius people love fighting for causes! Those causes may be to bring about death and destruction, but everybody needs a hobby. You also enjoy art and a leisurely lifestyle. Because sometimes you just want to walk around your spooky estate and gaze into your reflecting pool, ok? Like Drusilla, you are occasionally temperamental and aloof, but that comes with the psychic abilities territory (not to mention the fact that you were driven mad by your cruel sire and doomed to eternal life as an absolute head case, ugh.) And as you adapt to the energy around you, you need your alone time too, away from the world. Your energy is very important and requires regular restoration, along with constant mental stimulation. Otherwise, you get bored and leave your deadbeat boyfriend for, I don’t know, a Fungus demon or something.
Your Buffy quote: “Sorry. I was in the moment.”
LIBRA: WILLOW
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
Hey you’re the quintessential best friend, confidante, witch…. Wait, come again? Libras are all about balance. You need complete harmony in your life. And we don’t mean that Harmony, the pom-pom wagging snob from high school. Harmony as in being a straight-A student by day and professional HWIC (Head Witch In Charge) at night. You’re passionate about justice and doing the right thing. No wonder you belong to an evil-fighting Scooby gang. You’re cooperative by nature so you constantly need to be part of a team. But you’re not a follower! Hello-o-o, have you ever heard of “strength in numbers”? Kinda what I’m talking about here. You have a desire to be inspired on the daily so you like to surround yourself with art and music. I mean, you dated a musician! How cool is that! You’re so NOT a nerd. The one thing you hate is conflict and *shiver* confrontation. You just want everyone to get along, why can’t you all just get along? Lastly, you have the holy gift of possessing a keen and intellectual mind, which is why you make such a terrific witch. The best witch around, in fact. Just don’t piss her off.
Your Buffy quote: “Old reliable? Yeah, great. There’s a sexy nickname.”
SCORPIO: ANYA
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
It would only naturally make sense that you’re a vengeance demon. Oh, excuse me, EX-vengeance demon. The past is the past, and you’re trying to be a better person now. The whole sweet revenge thing was fun while it lasted though… Sigh. Anyways, as a Scorpio, you feel things very deeply, especially now that you’re human. You don’t like to beat around the bush when you express yourself. You tell it like it is. It’s part of your charm! Yea, maybe sometimes your words sting a little but why the heck is everyone so sensitive all the damn time! Can’t they ever take some BRUTAL honesty?? And everyone loves having an impromptu conversation about their sex life, right? What do you mean a child’s baptism isn’t the time or place for this? Despite all your demonic tendencies, and the frequent bouts of jealousy, you are a true friend and a loyal partner. Not to mention a very passionate lover (wink). Furthermore, you understand the rules of the universe. Probably because you’re a pretty old soul yourself. Around 1,120 to be exact!
Your Buffy quote: “I like you. You’re funny, and you’re nicely shaped. And frankly, it’s ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not… interlock. Please remove your clothing now.”
CANCER: ANGEL
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
Oooh, what a moody vampire you are! Angel is a tortured hero figure, a vampire cursed to walk the earth with a soul and lots of time to think about all the fucked up shit he’s done. And just like him, you Cancers brood like 90% of the time. Since you are guided by emotion a lot, you have a hard time blending in. So that’s good news — maybe people aren’t just staring at you because you’re lurking in that shadowy corner over there! But despite being all temperamental and pessimistic, you are BIG on family and friends. The whole loyalty thing? You’ve got it down. You’d certainly take a 100-year trip to hell and back for the person you love. You’re also a bit of a cultured art snob. Your home is decked out with interesting decor. What’s the deal with that Buddha statue in a glass case, you ask? Oh just something I picked up on my travels. That 200-year old Japanese room divider in the corner of the room? Stop asking me so many questions, I’m trying to sulk in my tank top over here!
Your Buffy quote: “It’s not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It’s the man.”
LEO: SPIKE
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
Bloody hell, you’re Spike. The champ vamp. The head honcho. Funny how you’re a sun sign, since that’s kinda your worst enemy. Well, that and a chunk of sharp wood. Leos LIVE in the spotlight. You practically feed off of it. If the spotlight was a helpless human, well, you get what I mean. You need constant attention too so you sure as hell are going to dominate any room you occupy. It’s not your fault that people just gravitate to you. Even pesky Slayers. A natural born “king of the jungle”, you help unite all sorts of creatures together and lead them towards a shared cause. Demons and humans alike! But let’s stop talking about you for a second and start talking about you. For a vampire, you’re oddly loyal. The whole “big bad” thing is just a smokescreen. You love your friends. Cherish them, even. And if you go around telling anyone I said that, I will end you. Furthermore, you maintain a great sense of humor even when your life’s spiraling out of control, like that time your girlfriend left you for a sodding Fungus Demon. I mean, for Christ’s sake, how could anyone leave YOU?! You’re practically a god. Weaknesses? Arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, blah, blah, blah. Whatever, mate, at least you’re not some sniveling nancy-boy like that loser Angel.
Your Buffy quote: “That’s right! Big bad’s back, and lookin’ for a little death.”
GEMINI: FAITH
(May 22nd to June 21st)
Hey, look at you, the other kickass slayer. But you’re the fun one. Extremely curious with the world, Geminis are always on the move, always restless. You are game for anything and you sure as hell can survive anywhere. For one thing, parties are where Geminis thrive. Like, any party really. Some may even say you’re the life of the party. That’s because you crack the best jokes and have the best moves. And don’t even get me started on what it’s like being with you for a night. Strap yourself in for a wild ride, compadre. You’re also a strong supporter of variety being the spice of life or whatever. You gotta change things up a bit because repetition is, like, death. I know The Bronze is fun and all, but who wants to do that every weekend. I mean, damn, is that the only bar in town, or something? You hate being confined by your surroundings or worse, an annoying group of close-knit friends who think they’re above you. And yea, there’s the whole two-faced thing. Sometimes you want to be a do-gooder and kick some vampire butt and sometimes you just want to walk on the wild side. It’s not that you’re straight-up evil, because that’s not how it is, B. The wise know that there is no good or evil. Just me and this killer body. Either way, you’re five-by-five.
Your Buffy quote: “We’re Slayers, girlfriend. The Chosen two. Why should we let him take all the fun out of it?”
CAPRICORN: RILEY
(December 22nd to January 20th)
Ok, so you got Riley. Hear me out though! Sure, you’re not a cool broody vampire-type, but heck, you’re the complete package! Responsible, disciplined, and independent. If you weren’t a soldier in a top secret unit of the military, fighting and capturing demons, you would be an ace manager at Best Buy! Or anywhere else for that reason. You have a propensity for being a team leader. And you excel at everything because you are #1! Like, for instance, you make the best companion and partner ever. If there were a relationship contest, you would win. Not saying that a relationship is a competition but you would WIN! However, this whole super smart and overachieving thing can often trigger a few eye-rolls from those around you. Some people think you’re ultra condescending. Total nonsense! Besides, why hide how great you are at everything? You’re proud of how far you’ve come! These so-called “people” should be more concerned with how their life is wasted on not being proud. Another pesky fault is finding it hard to accept other kinds of lifestyles that are different from your own. Like, maybe someone’s ex-boyfriend only hangs out at night, drinks blood on the reg, is a demon, etc. I don’t want to judge or anything, but… come on! Who does that?
Your Buffy quote: “Don’t make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous.”
PISCES: OZ
(February 19th to March 20th)
Hey are you in band?? If not, you totally should be! You’re so Oz. You are the magnificently soulful and talented Willow’s-boyfriend-guy. Oh, and you’re also a werewolf underneath a full moon (or when you’re drunk, am I right LOL). Those of the Pisces persuasion are wise beyond their years. Maybe that’s why you’re so quiet and stoic when the gang’s all blabby. You’re too busy observing the world around you to bother with all that. You’re friendly and incredibly tolerant (the most tolerant sign of the zodiac actually) and because of this you are often friends with a variety of different people, even Devon, who’s a total piece of shit by the way. You’re able to see past the obvious and directly into someone’s soul which helps in gaining the best connections with people. You are always willing to give, without expecting anything in return. That being said, it can give you somewhat of a Christ complex. You become a martyr real quick! And you hate cruelty of any kind. Especially when everyone is picking on Giles for being all “old and uncool”. I mean, you’ve seen his record collection. Legit. You’re also super spiritual. I guess that’s why your trip to India was so successful! Well, kind of. And despite the whole unfaithful werewolf thing, you’re a true hopeless romantic. The minute Oz saw Willow, he knew. And that warms our cold, black, vampire hearts.
Your Buffy quote: ”Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you’re trying to make your friend Xander jealous, or even the score, or something. And…that’s on the empty side. See, in my fantasy, when I’m kissing you, you’re kissing me. It’s okay, I can wait.”
ARIES: BUFFY
(March 21st to April 19th)
OMG, You’re Buffy! My hero! Aries is the Greek god of war so this makes so much sense. A fire sign to the core, you are strong-willed and the ultimate risk-taker. I mean, you’ve risked your life on, like, numerous occasions. You’ve even died a few times! You have high expectations of yourself. And while you are über passionate about everything, you’re often known to be a tad… impatient. (Can we hurry this thing up?) Some say that you’re hard to predict because of your spontaneous nature. Honestly, you like to play things by ear and fly from the seat of your pants. Remember when you randomly had a twisted sex-capade with the very vampire who repeatedly tried to kill you? No one could have predicted that, huh? There was more than one, you say? Well, um, who’s keeping track anyways! Moving on… You are totally honest and direct with people. It may break their hearts sometimes to hear the truth, but you don’t have time to bullshit. Sometimes sex is just sex. Wait, how did we end up talking about this again? You excel when it comes to any form of physical activity and coordination. If you were a Spice Girl, you’d probably be Sporty Spice. Or Scary Spice. Who was the one in charge? And although you are aggressive, you get the work done and that’s all that matters. While YOUR Mr. Pointy may be your ambition (and not a wooden spike), you use that to fight the evils of everyday life. Anyone else feeling up to a quick visit to the cemetery to kick some demon ass?
