There is a big difference between loving and needing a person.
We may say we love our boyfriend/girlfriend and believe we feel that way. However, when it comes to actions, we may be surprised to find that we simply need this person.
I have been like this before. I just needed someone—a perfect man who was perfect for me in every way, but something was missing. I simply confused love and my need for love. I didn’t need him; I needed love. And how can you get enough love from a person you don’t love but just need? Now I know what it’s like to feel needy, not love. I shudder when someone says, “I need you.” At first glance, a fairly harmless phrase. But if we see its deeper meaning and the harm it brings, we will understand that it has nothing to do with true love. I decided to replace this phrase with another “I want you,” “I appreciate you,” or simply “I love you.”
It is very important to distinguish between need and love; otherwise, we will continue to build relationships for the wrong reasons, causing pain to ourselves and the other person.
Love is not a business contract; it is a state of being.
Love is enjoying a person and their presence. We allow them to be near us and take their personal needs into account.
This is how we “want” another person: their presence is an added joy and blessing in our lives. But when their presence becomes obligatory or dependent, our love turns into need. Then we don’t enjoy the person. We enjoy what we get from them.
Don’t notice that you are in need? Here are some signs:
1. You focus on what you get.
These may be unconscious physical, emotional, material, or spiritual needs that we think our partner should meet. When these expectations are not met, quarrels begin. If you cannot imagine your love without this, it is a need, not love. Love is unconditional. It is focused on what you have, not what you do not have. Lower your expectations.
2. You blame him for all your troubles.
Love does not look for the guilty. Even if a person is really guilty, you need to solve the problem, discuss it, and not blame.
3. You want his constant presence.
You just can’t stand breakups, and this is clearly an unhealthy dependency. You need trust and the ability to live an interesting life without a partner.
4. You want to control everything.
There is no need to pressure a person to be the way you imagine them to be—this is not love at all. We must respect them as they are. There is no need to try to change them and adjust them to suit ourselves.
5. You feel empty without him.
There is a fine line between missing someone and feeling empty without them. If a person is like a drug, that you can’t do anything without them, if everything depends on them, it is not a healthy relationship.
6. You worry more about your happiness.
You forget to think about what your partner needs to be happy. This is selfishness, not love.
How do you avoid needing a person at all? Learn to love yourself first. When you become fully happy on your own, you will not depend on another person but will only agree to be with him if you truly love him.
