4 Toxic Things That Are Ruining Your Relationship! Just Stop It!
Marriage researchers have discovered 4 toxic behaviors that almost always lead to divorce, breakups, or very unhappy relationships.
4 Toxic Things; they are called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These 4 characteristics represent toxic behavior in relationships. They must be eliminated if you want to have a positive, loving, and long-lasting relationship.
Let’s first figure out what the point is. How do you determine that you are behaving incorrectly and are ruining your relationship?
What is toxic behavior?
Toxic behavior is any behavior that causes a breakdown in a relationship. When toxic behavior is present, it becomes nearly impossible to resolve any issue or situation.
Many people report feeling trapped in a bad marriage when there is toxic behavior in their relationship. They report fighting over the same things over and over again, to no avail. You can imagine that if your arguments always escalate to the point where they cannot be resolved, this will take a serious toll on your relationship over time.
Okay, now that we’ve defined toxic behavior in relationships, let’s talk about the behavior more specifically and, of course, how to change toxic behavior.
If you or your partner exhibit any of the following examples, it is important to recognize your actions and begin to change. Everything can be fixed—almost everything.
4 Toxic Things That Are Ruining Your Relationships!
1. Criticism and insults
Now, before you say, “So I can’t even speak up when I’m stressed out?” Let me assure you that it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with telling your partner the things you’d like them to change about themselves or the way they treat you. But it has to come out of your mouth respectfully and productively.
However, criticism is a bad habit. When you criticize, you attack a person, usually to make them feel wrong and inferior.
Criticism would sound something like, “You’re so rude! I was trying to be nice, and you completely brushed off my attempt to help you cook dinner.” In this situation, it’s better to say, “I feel bad that you brushed off my offer to help you cook dinner. I was just trying to be helpful, and the way you spoke to me came across as very rude.”
Criticism is most often found in female behavior, but this in no way absolves men. Be sure to rephrase these critical remarks about your partner’s character so that he is kinder, gentler, and more about the behavior than the character of the person.
What to do:
Try following this formula: “I feel (example of how you feel) when this happens, and I would prefer that it was this way.” This is a formula for defusing the situation, and it is sure to make your partner feel secure.
Here is one clear example of behavior:
You come home after a long day at work, walk into the kitchen, and see dirty dishes piling up in the sink. You remember leaving everything clean before you left for work, and seeing this mess immediately made you feel tired.
Your first instinct may be, “Ugh, you’re so inconsiderate! You always leave the dishes for me, which is funny because I work just as hard as you do. You never help around the house, and I…” While your anger may be entirely justified, it won’t solve your problem the way you want it to. You’ll just end up arguing again.
You will need to show more restraint and, without using verbal abuse, tell your man:
“Honey, I couldn’t help but notice that the dishes have been piling up in the sink all day. I told you before that I like it when I come home and the kitchen is clean. You see, I get stressed when I walk in the door and the first thing I see is dirty dishes. I would love it if you washed your dishes after you ate, or at least put them in the dishwasher. Is that possible?”
4 Toxic Things That Are Ruining Your Relationships
2. Protect yourself from your partner
Why am I so defensive with my man and why is he so defensive? First, let’s define defense. To be defensive means to avoid responsibility for participating in an argument, not to admit your mistakes, and to be weak.
He often apologizes to prove that he is not at fault, blaming his partner or external circumstances for his behavior. He may engage in cross-complaints, which means he meets his partner’s complaint with another complaint of his own, ignoring or invalidating his partner’s complaint.
Example: “No, I didn’t forget my documents! You rushed me when I left the house, so I didn’t have time to check if I took them!”
“Maybe if you stopped pestering me with demands, I’d like to help you around the house from time to time.”
“Yes, I insulted you, but you always insult me too, so who are you to blame me and be offended?”
Familiar situations? Then let’s find a way out—how to behave correctly.
What to do:
It takes two to argue, and there is always something you can take responsibility for in any situation, such as, “I didn’t realize my words or behavior could affect you this way. I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to.”
Notice that there was no “I’m right and you’re wrong” utterance. Taking responsibility does not mean you’re giving up your point of view. Also, notice how different this is from the usually half-hearted apology of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This apology leaves your partner blaming themselves for how they feel, rather than you taking responsibility for making them feel that way.
Instead of thinking about how you are going to win the argument and prove your partner wrong, ask yourself: What is your end goal? Is your goal to be happy or to be right? Would you rather resolve the situation and return to a harmonious relationship or prove to your partner that you were right and she was wrong?
Try to listen to your partner and empathize with their point of view before responding with your own.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe I forgot my papers! I rushed out the door and didn’t check before we left. I’m so sorry I messed everything up like that.”
3. Emotional disconnection in relationships.
More common in men than women, stonewalling is defined as withdrawing from a conversation or even a relationship as a way to avoid conflict.
This may look like this: The husband looks at his wife when she speaks but gives no indication that he hears her or that he notices her. He may ignore her by leaving the room or simply start looking at his phone.
Women report that this behavior from their husbands causes incredible anxiety, and their spouses appear emotionally unavailable.
What to do:
In the case of emotional disconnection, it is best to use the time out that is taken wisely. If you decide that you need a break from the conversation, I recommend using a structured time-out process. Let your partner know that you are feeling overwhelmed and would like to talk about it when you are both in a better state.
Then allow time, anywhere from 20 minutes to 24 hours, for you to return to finish the conversation when you both have had a chance to calm down and think things through rationally.
This way, you both know that the problem will be solved, and you can rest easy knowing that you have plans to return to the conversation. When it’s time to return to the conversation, the partner who requested the break should be the one who re-initiates the conversation, so that asking for a break is not seen as an escape from having to deal with relationship issues.
4. Contempt: hurtful insults, sarcasm…
Hurtful insults, sarcasm, eye-rolling, and dominance. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and often makes the recipient feel stupid and inferior. Rolling your eyes at your partner or making sarcastic comments to mock them are classic displays of contempt.
Other signs of contempt include insults, name-calling, hostile humor, using a condescending tone of voice, and ridicule.
Contempt is the most destructive of all four types of toxic relationship behavior. Because it destroys the tenderness and admiration in a couple. Contempt is even linked to illness; the more a person feels contempt for their significant other, the more likely they are to become ill! So think twice before marrying a sarcasm-loving person.
What to do:
Be polite, kind, and loving! We tend to forget about good manners when interacting with those we love and treat them in ways we would never treat a colleague or a stranger. This is because we have different levels of comfort with our loved ones.
That being said, if anyone deserves respect and polite treatment, it’s your loved ones. Talk to your partner the same way you talk to your boss. Be polite and respectful, choose your words wisely, and speak in a way that makes them feel safe, not attacked or defensive.
In short, act as if the most important relationship in your life depends on how you talk to your partner because it does.
If you read this article that revealed 4 toxic things that are ruining your relationship and had a moment of panic when you realized that you and/or your partner are doing one or all of these things, don’t worry, all is not lost. You can now change your habits by realizing how harmful they are to the health and future success of your relationship.
