When he really “can’t handle it.”. How can a strong woman build a relationship?
Previously, marriage was built on a strong economic foundation: women did not work and could not survive without men. But today, there is no talk of survival. I am always surprised by the formulation, “A strong woman can do everything herself, successful and well-off”. This can be said about any mature person who has ceased to be a child and does not play the role of a victim in a relationship. Although I understand where the distorted idea comes from.
Previously, marriage was built on a strong economic foundation: women did not work and could not survive without men. But today, survival is not a question. In most cases, we have the same rights, and sometimes, professionally, we even find better use for ourselves.
Times and conditions have changed, but our culture still considers women to be infantile, weak, helpless, and victimized. She waits for a “savior” who will feed her and entertain her.
However, before building a serious relationship, a woman is obliged—first of all to herself—to establish herself as a person, to get a profession, to start earning money. This will be her inner support, a guarantee of self-respect. And a mature man is pleased to see next to him not a victim Thumbelina, but a reliable partner on whom he can rely.
THE WORD “STRONG” IS CONFUSED WITH THE CONCEPT OF “STRUCK, UNYIELDING”. BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT A MATURE WOMAN, BUT ABOUT A TEENAGE GIRL. A MAN FEELS COMFORTABLE WITH ONE LIKE THAT.
Tamer of men
The word “strong” is sometimes confused with the concepts of unyielding, militant, tough, and authoritarian. But this is also far from the true meaning, because it characterizes, if not a little girl, then a teenager—rebellious, attacking and resisting.
Such supposedly “strong” ones often remain lonely, and it is clear why. Any man will feel uncomfortable around them because he has to constantly take the position of a father who brings up, fights, breaks, and spends a lot of time and effort on it.
For a man, this means living with the constant fear of being devalued. He is constantly being attacked and tested for strength.
What decision did you make? Did you think about it for a long time? Did you implement it effectively? You can often hear: “Well, here he is again; he’s delaying! What a man! I would have done everything a long time ago!”
And what does such competition imply? Only the best is always one and two people in a common territory can never survive. Can never be recognized by each other. This model is still far from mature relationships.
When he really can’t handle it
Some girls protest: “Yes, I would be glad to give my husband the initiative, but in reality, you can’t rely on him!” And they forget that living with such a person is their personal and, perhaps, unconscious choice.
I sometimes see couples: she is mature and established, has a profession, housing, income, and established social contacts. He is indecisive, probably financially dependent, and internally not separated from his parental family. Naturally, the question arises: what did our lady see in this “boy”?
There is usually one reason: the girl had to become an adult early. She skillfully coped with difficulties and grew up smart, but deep down she still wants to be that girl who was not pushed enough on a swing, not carried enough in arms, not fed enough candy. And then this infantile man appears. He is still being coddled at forty and a half years old, and it seems he can return our woman to her missed childhood—he is living in it now!
At first, in such a union, our heroine compensates for what she did not receive, and although it is on her shoulders that the burden of arranging a life together falls, she closes her eyes to it. But the boy constantly demands his mother, and this is an expensive role. Investments cease to pay off, and the relationship begins to crack at the seams. And instead of saving them, it would be good for the woman to take care of herself—to live out what was left unlived in childhood, with a psychotherapist, and not at the expense of her partner.
Should he be stronger?
Many successful women believe that they need a more decisive man than they are. But often this is just an attitude, and there is no point in trying to fit the relationship into the frigid form of “woman is a follower, man is a leader.” Couples in which the accents are placed differently also have their powerful resources.
A woman may exhibit more masculine qualities, but if this is in her nature (everyone in the family is an Amazon to the seventh generation), there is no point in wasting years of life on psychotherapy and trying to change yourself. Such an active person is complemented by a more passive partner.
And he will not necessarily be a mama’s boy. A man, due to his temperament or upbringing, will allow a woman to “lead”, and, what is important, he will do it consciously.
Two (independent) in one boat
But let’s say a strong woman meets a man like her. What happens? I’ll tell you right away: by this adjective, I mean “mature”. Those who can make their own choices and decisions, to adapt in some places, and to be firm in others.
We are not talking about those who demand: “Everything will be as I said” or “I am like this and I am not going to change.” This is about something else—about the imposition of will and destructive competition in a couple. Such relationships resemble the struggle of two teenagers, although there are many adults in them.
Truly strong, mature people and their unions are rare. After all, the main family scenario in the post-Soviet space is still very different: manipulate, survive! In the USSR, everyone was brought up to be easier to manage. But you can’t manage mature people.
They understand too well what they want; you can’t force anything unnecessary on them, and their union is distinguished by the fact that neither one depends on the other. A woman, for example, can confidently say, “I don’t need this man to survive; he’s just important to me. I feel good with him, but I can be happy alone. I don’t panic at the thought that we’ll break up. Yes, it will be sad, yes, it will hurt, but it’s not the end of the world.”
IN A UNION OF STRONG PEOPLE, NEITHER PARTNER NEEDS OTHER. A WOMAN CAN SAY: “I FEEL GOOD WITH THIS MAN, BUT I CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM.
When two such people meet, each of them understands his feelings and intentions. He realizes how valuable the other is to him and openly makes it known.
This is why the “don’t call first” or “keep your partner in constant tension” patterns don’t work – they are very primitive and involve manipulation.
In conflicts, mature partners do not try to prove their point of view and make the other accept it. They recognize the value of each other’s opinion and work together to find a solution, but in extreme cases, they can split up to do what each considers right. And even if one makes a concession, this happens without compromising their values and inner integrity.
A mature partnership is an agreement between two adults who have separated physically, economically, and psychologically from their parental families. They, a man and a woman, are sexually attractive to each other, interesting as individuals, and have something to share.
And, most importantly, they are able to accept the weaknesses of their loved one, not to hit them in the sore spots, not to demand conformity to their ideal. This acceptance is the key principle.
Too many love boats are wrecked by the belief, “You should be like me.” But he shouldn’t be. He’s a complete person; he doesn’t need to be improved; he’s no worse or better than you. He’s different, and that’s your strength.
