Relationship Advice: How to Reinvent Yourself in a Relationship
A vivid and incredibly powerful article by Olesya Novikova about how to find real, mature relationships.
How to create such a sphere of your life as relationships. Especially, anew? How to establish friendly communication with yourself, get your own body in order, and do what you love with a good financial return—in general, it is crystal clear. Richard Branson expressed it best: “Screw it! Take it and do it!”
- Fat? Use Maya Plisetskaya’s diet—don’t eat!
- Poor? Decide what you want to do, how to make big money on it, and follow the pattern: work-think-improve-work-think-improve-work.
- Unhappy? Figure yourself out. Figure out what makes you unhappy and what makes you happy. Give up the first and bring the second into your life.
Many people fail to do this for a very obvious reason: they don’t do it. They start and quit. They jump to something else. Or they don’t start at all because of doubts, fears, prejudices, and the opinions of others.
And here the most interesting question arises: does this same scheme work for relationships? Is it possible to “take and make” love? And if so, how? How do you create yourself anew in a relationship?
Words cannot describe how many times I have walked the ladder of my own feelings and thoughts while studying this question. I have sunk to the very bottom and returned to light again. I have laid out my stories piece by piece and observed those around me, I have put the question bluntly and tried to reject it altogether.
I will not set up complex decorations for the sake of a simple truth that stubbornly appeared every time I questioned it and even in those moments when I tried to pretend not to notice it:
Love doesn’t need to be sought
Just as it is impossible to find yourself, but only to create yourself—the same is with relationships. Love is impossible to find, but you can create yourself (yourself, not another person) and open up (!) to relationships. Become the door through which serious mutual feelings will enter your soul.
Being open to a relationship and looking for one are diametrically opposed stories.
In the first case, a person is at peace with himself and the world. He is ready to share this state with a loved one (this gives rise to the magnetism of personality, which attracts the opposite sex); in the second case, this is, most often, a rather painful story on the topic of “relationships as salvation from one’s own misfortune,” which does not end well.
If you are unhappy, relationships will not save you or make you happy in the long term. They will only be short bursts of joy, leaving behind a lot of mutual claims and grievances. Your inner unhappiness will come out much earlier than it seems and will start to control your life. You can change your partner, and, probably, this will be the right decision – but such a step will not cure the essence. If you are unhappy, then you will be unhappy in the relationship.
The only way to solve this problem is to stop shifting the burden of your joy onto the shoulders of your loved ones and make yourself happy on your own. To sort out your own inner core under the rubble of fears and prejudices and, finally, wash it—it can shine on its own. This is its essence.
If according to a simple formula, then:
Want a relationship? Become the person you want to meet (based on universal human qualities).
And first of all, grow up.
- Take responsibility for everything that happens
- Stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself
- Take care of yourself
- Get busy
- Make money (applies to everyone: men a priori, women as a cure for the obsessive “save me and my financial instability”)
- Be happy ALREADY here and now
Nobody wants to be in a relationship with an unhappy, chronically dissatisfied, insecure, constantly rushing person. Would you like to? Well, don’t be like that yourself. Few people are interested in people “searching for themselves,” but everyone is attracted to those who have found their own world. To create yourself and not to search—this is the golden formula.
If a girl intends to meet a healthy, strong, confident, reliable, and internally stable man, then she must convey the same values from within: be healthy, strong in a feminine way, confident (i.e., sexy and feminine), reliable (faithful), and, most importantly, internally stable.
Same goes for men. Want to be with a queen? Be a king.
The scheme is as transparent as a child’s tear. Why doesn’t everyone apply it in their lives?
Firstly, people are not able to adequately assess themselves—they chronically underestimate or exaggerate certain events and facts and also remain in the infantile confidence that nothing depends on them; secondly, they do not want or cannot take care of themselves—consciously develop and grow—that is, work through those aspects in themselves that require it.
“My cynicism tells me that positivity sells better,” Carrie Bradshaw declared yesterday on screen in the well-known women’s series.
So, friends, my cynicism, steeped in advertising past, in turn, knows for sure that all these stories about “finding your love” are an inexhaustible gold mine, both financially and in user loyalty.
You can broadcast on this topic 24/7 and always be at the top. Women will be happy to hear that their whole life and main goal is a man (and stubbornly not noticing that the number of unhappy women with men is equal to the number of unhappy women without men—that is, this is not an argument), and insecure, weak men will be loyal listeners if you convince them that they will become strong precisely thanks to the right woman (and not thanks to their own work).
But I will never do that. Sorry, marketing. I will, even if it is unpopular, but honestly to myself and my experience, say what I know and see:
The only way to have a mature relationship is to create yourself as a joyful, happy, beautiful, healthy, passionate person and to open yourself to a deep mutual relationship in which partners grow together, but not at the expense of each other.
I suffered from the most common female affliction—love addiction. I don’t know where it comes from—from childhood, from society, from past lives, or from current self-doubt—but it is a chronic disease of the majority of the female population of the country.
Symptoms: She was a seemingly normal girl, but then she met Him—the Man of Her Life—and off it went: complete dissolution in the object of love, renunciation of her own interests in favor of his interests, the desire to spend all her free time together, the inability to be alone, jealousy, the desire for constant control, “being overly fond of” at all levels with the thoughts “since I have never loved you and no one will love you.”
At this point, the girl considers herself a vamp woman, but in fact, she is simply hysterical: imposing love and demanding it in return when the relationship moves into a permissible stage for this. As a result, she is completely enslaved by her own feelings and loses control over both the situation and herself. She begins to allow things that are unacceptable in a relationship—reproaches, checks, hysterics, inability to wait (she starts calling and writing first, but in fact, she is simply annoying), and the like.
Relationships are destroyed. The man either gets tired, cools off, or is simply energetically depleted, since a girl who is happy only because of her man (and is deeply unhappy when alone) is the strongest energy vampire.
If you are familiar with something similar, I can give you this advice:
Trying to “jump” from partner to partner for a new “great love” without understanding the roots of what is happening to you personally is useless. You will go in circles, stepping on the same universal rake.
The wedge called “love addiction” should not be driven out with another wedge but pulled out with your own hands. It is a splinter that can be gotten rid of.
How?
We come back to the same thing again—to create ourselves anew. To understand our “peculiarities” and replace them with those we like more, practicing a conscious approach. This is not a one-day journey. This is a process of consciously cleansing and healing our lives.
Relationships are like the union of two mature individuals
To meet a kindred spirit and build a mature relationship, you need to BE, not search:
- BE happy
Decide what brings you pleasure and do it. - BE healthy mentally and physically
Food, water, sports, physical activity, creative good thoughts. - BE passionate
Again, decide what brings you pleasure and do it. - BE open to new relationships
Be open. There is no other way to say it. It is an inevitable process if you are happy, healthy, and engaged.
We are talking about the union of two mature individuals, when both the man and the woman do not need to plug their own internal holes with their partner—they are together to develop, build a family, and enjoy themselves.
When I was working on this material, or rather, when I was nurturing it, the following quote came to me, which I would like to conclude with today. These are the words of a great yoga teacher. Let those who have long sought the answer hear it:
People should be taught from their youth how to control their emotions. I believe that no one should marry until he has learned to control his impulses. Until a person has acquired emotional stability, he is not mature enough to have a family. Self-control is the greatest quality! If, possessing it, you desire to marry, a person corresponding to you will be magnetically attracted to you.
~ Paramahansa Yogananda, The Eternal Search
