In every relationship, no matter how happy, arguments occur now and again. The decisive factor, however, is how they happen, because according to couple researcher Prof. John Gottmann, it is important to leave room for reconciliation right from the start. We’ll tell you more.
The garbage that hasn’t been taken downstairs yet, the broken promise, or the little lie—there are numerous reasons why couples can get into an argument. Often, even small annoyances in everyday life develop into a full-blown argument, in which things can get heated from time to time. But does an argument mean that the relationship is bad? No! At least that’s what couple researcher Prof. John Gottman says, who found that relationships in which arguments are resolved are happier than others.
Gottmann studied the arguing behavior of couples for over 20 years and found that it is not arguing but conflict avoidance that causes many relationships to fail. Arguing is good, but it always depends on how. If you and your partner have been arguing about the same things over and over again for weeks and the argument degenerates into violent accusations and insults, then you simply have to face the fact that the relationship is over.
Space for reconciliation
What is more important in an argument is to create space for reconciliation from the beginning, so that a point of contention can be ticked off or put aside and harmony can be found again. According to Gottmann, the following basic rules must be heeded to successfully resolve disagreements.
Reconciliation tip #1: Respect
Are you angry with your loved one and would you like to let him or her feel this anger? Stop! Even in an argument, it is important to treat each other respectfully and attentively; otherwise, a deep rift can develop between you. Insults, interrupting the other person or making fun of them, nasty accusations, blame, and insinuations are taboo.
No matter how angry you are, always try to stay calm and talk objectively with your partner about the problems. Too many emotions always lead to the argument boiling over, and in this case, it is also much more difficult to approach each other again after the argument and reconcile because you may have hurt each other even more than was the case before.
Reconciliation tip #2: Acceptance and tolerance
You’ve been discussing the same thing for hours and still can’t agree? Don’t panic! Complete agreement between two people is rare and some differences of opinion simply cannot be resolved.
Both partners must accept the other’s opinion, even if there is no agreement. Even in a relationship, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and needs. If these are no longer taken seriously, the relationship is doomed to fail. Instead, try to find a compromise for your problem that you can both live with.
Reconciliation tip #3: Calm
Your partner is furious; it’s clear that you have to stand up to them. Not! In emotional situations, verbal slip-ups or loud shouting can happen, but you should never let your partner provoke you and follow the same path. The magic word is calm! Even if you can’t calm your loved one down, you should try to remain calm and objective. Otherwise, accusations and insults can quickly take over and the conflict can escalate.
Reconciliation tip #4: Apologize
Many people find it difficult to apologize to their partner after an argument because the first step makes us vulnerable. What if the other person doesn’t respond to our attempt at reconciliation? Put these thoughts aside, because an apology is important! So get over your fears and show your loved one that you are sorry.
Reconciliation tip #5: Reconciliation s+x
The good thing about an argument? The makeup s+x afterward, because it’s not uncommon for an argument to end in bed. Most people find make-up s+x to be very intense. The reason for this is testosterone. Find out more here about why make-up s+x is so special.
As nice as s+x is after an argument, it is still not a solution to unresolved conflicts. So make sure you get the problems out of the way with your partner first and then there is nothing wrong with having a little fun in the bedroom.
