Love Advice: If You Are Not Loved, Then It Is Dangerous To Love You!
Despite the fact that if we look around, we find people who at almost any point in their lives are in a couple, more or less prosperous, but are almost never alone. And we, just as easily, by casting a cursory glance at people, can observe quite a lot of men and women who usually spend most of their lives outside of relationships. Even if Despite the fact that if we look around, we find people who at almost any point in their lives are in a couple, more or less prosperous, but are almost never alone. And we, just as easily, by casting a cursory glance at people, can observe quite a lot of men and women who usually spend most of their lives outside of relationships. Even if the latter manages to create the desired relationship for a short time, it turns out that they get into a short-term experiment from which one of the partners is catapulted out, and these relationships fall apart.
Why does this happen?
The main complaint of women is that they lack love. “They don’t love me,” or “They don’t love me the way they love me,” or “they love me incorrectly,” or not in the right way, not as intensely, not selflessly enough… Men who jump from relationship to relationship also often give out exactly the same formula. That it’s not the right love, not of the right quality; therefore, they are not loved as they would like.
Here I want to explain that if you fail to create a warm relationship, a kind of analogue of what is called love, then it is probably dangerous to love you. If it is dangerous to love you, then it turns out that there are reasons in you that make it worse to be with you than without you.
After all, any relationship, be it a relationship between a man and a woman or a relationship between friends (except for the relationship between parents and a child, when the child simply has nowhere to go), is created on conditions in which it is better to be with you than without you.
A man stays with the woman with whom he is better off than without her. A woman stays with the man with whom she is better off than without him.
And there will be no recommendations on how to be comfortable here. The article is aimed at drawing attention to the fact that there may be something inside you that can make you an inconvenient object for love.
Here we can divide “inconvenient” people into several categories.
The first are the very demanding ones, those who are not satisfied with enough.
These ones always know “what” and “how it should be.” Demanding people are also perfectionists, who “know exactly” what should be done, how, in what order, and in what time frame. They make sure that everything is in its place, literally and figuratively, and that all rituals are observed.
These people are just as quick and purposeful in choosing a partner; they already have in their heads a picture of the ideal image of themselves and their way of life in a couple.
A demanding person does not have enough free energy to consider the needs and picture of the partner. He has no time; he is in a hurry to do his “homework”—to bring to life the image of an ideal relationship, wanting to use the partner’s resource to the maximum to satisfy his own ambitions. Demanding people have a problem—this is running away from the “here and now,” and, as a result, there is ingratitude for what is.
In this case, the key that opens the doors to harmonious relationships will be gratitude.
The second category of people who are dangerous to love are boring perfectionists. Their attention to details and nuances does not allow them to consider the constructiveness of the relationship as a whole; it is difficult for them, as in the proverb, “to see the forest for the trees.” In this case, there is fragmentation and sucking on trifles, which creates a situation for the partner in which he does not feel that they are in contact with him and he himself is respected. In such a couple, a person feels secondary against the background of all those nuances and details that are so important to a picky partner.
The third category of people who are uncomfortable to love are overly self-critical people who have chronic dissatisfaction with themselves, and the worst version of this is when all thoughts are brought out into the open. In this case, we have a kind of chronic whiner, and he raises topics in which his partner cannot help him. If the whiner is a woman, then the man who is nearby and listens to her dissatisfaction with herself feels ineffective. Listening to the whining of his wife or girlfriend, about her excess weight, dark circles under her eyes, that she broke a nail, or that with her figure she has nothing to wear—a whole series of such women’s tragedies that a man cannot solve in any way.
And if there are too many of these tragedies brought out into the open, then the man feels useless because he cannot help a person in trouble. That is why overly self-critical people do not find good relationships—they are not kind to themselves. And then they will try—having taken root in the relationship and having finally appropriated the partner—to find fault with him. So we move on to the fourth type of unsuccessful partners for a long-term union.
The fourth category is people who constantly want to educate their partner, point out their shortcomings, want to improve them… These are such obvious or hidden gurus . The “elementary school teacher” type transferred to life. Instead of enjoying the relationship and thanking the person next to them, they create a field in which, as it seems to them, they have the right and should constantly point out their partner’s shortcomings and imperfections, despite the fact that the ideal is unattainable.
In this case, a situation of denial arises that what the partner currently represents is perfect enough to have a harmonious relationship with him. Therefore, such “teachers” with their attempts to help form a feeling of inferiority. And these “gurus” then often take offense at the whole world for the fact that those whom they tried to educate were not grateful to them.
The fifth category is careerists . Careerists are, of course, those people who are too busy. If you are a businessman, very active, and very creative, then you may be an inconvenient person for a relationship because it is difficult for your partner to find a place in your schedule. And then, with a person who has planned his time well, the partner looks for a place for himself. Here a situation may arise when his sudden appearance or an untimely call from a businessman may not please. And if we are not a joy to someone, and his hobby is not a joy to us, then what? It is not a pity to leave such a relationship.
But if a businessman truly loves his business and lives for it, then he, like any person with the path, will probably be charismatic and extremely interesting to the opposite sex. And therefore, he is unlikely to be lonely. There will always be people around such a person who are burning with his favorite business because he is chronically in love, even if sometimes only with his business.
What to do? I will be laconic here. I will repeat once again: We create relationships with those with whom we are better off than without them.
So who is better? And what do we, ideally, want from a relationship?
Ideal relationships, as strange as it may sound, are not created to satisfy our needs for warmth, care, and recognition, but to complete each other’s picture of the world about an ideal life as a couple and to have children. No.
True, warm relationships are created from excess. When there is fullness in you. There is fullness in you as a result of the path you have traveled yourself, the independent ability to create joy in others and draw joy from the world. Having fed ourselves with light and learned to ignite from life, we will now be able to share inspiration and make it fall in love with life.
Then in the relationship, you also continue to grow, but your desire for perfection, your attention to detail, and your self-criticism are mostly in your inner alchemical reality. You protect your partner from pouring out all your stages of growth on him or her and from deafening him or her with the half-finished products of your own torments.
Of course, you can consult and share, but it is not at all necessary to involve your neighbor in all the twists and turns of your internal dialogue, filling all the space around you, displacing his world, and tiring him with yourself.
It is much more constructive to give out some useful result, conclusion, or discovery in the field of relations. Then you may have a situation when you have so much energy that you want to share it—after all, it is completed tasks, formed conclusions, and opinions for yourself—supported by these own actions—that give us real strength and self-confidence.
So, the most beautiful relationships are created, just like the most beautiful deeds, and bodies are made from a whim, which literally sounds like “I want it this way . ”
Despite everything, I just want it and am ready to go for it. These are the warmest relationships. Because such a partner is perceived as a gift, as a miracle! And strangely enough, in such relationships, many of our needs happen, but “retroactively,” which we ourselves can successfully satisfy. Here, everything that comes from the other is perceived as a miracle—without expectations, as generosity, as a gift.
If you are able to honestly admit to yourself that no—most of the needs for security, finances, and self-love from yourself—in self-defined confidence are not closed—then just be prepared—that the relationship will not go smoothly.
If a person feels bad on his own, then it will only get worse in a couple—be aware of this.
Therefore, it would be good to grow yourself up to a more or less integral adult. It would be much more ecological to offer a worthy partner—not a semi-finished product of yourself but a more perfect version of yourself since puberty, polished by internal work. Having created yourself, relative to the childhood period, more integral, self-sufficient, bright, and light, then in your couple, without conflicts and without breaking up against childhood expectations and grievances, love and freedom will exist in fullness and its multi-variant abundance.
Relationships created out of curiosity and even whim will not be relationships out of fear, since there will be no room for concern and anxiety that something will be missing from each other.
Going into a relationship as a whole, relatively realized and self-sufficient person, you will have enough energy to be surprised and to amaze. To love and accept each other with all your depth, with all the scope of your soul. Not to be afraid to scare the other with your sincere feelings: wild joy or anger, enthusiasm or sadness—discovering different facets in yourself and in the other—do not stop being surprised, allowing the other to be natural, unexpected, different, and new.
Remember, relationships are created primarily for joy and pleasure. Life does not come from fear. Survival comes from fear—it is hard, and you want to get away from it. Life comes from joy, and this is primarily abundance, light, and ease. Therefore, everything that is basically light and light attracts, disposing to relationships. Become light, and you will be happy.
