Those who love each other don’t argue. Wrong! Arguing is good and necessary. We just don’t know that, because we were taught something completely different as children. Now we’re in trouble and are total conflict amateurs: The sparks fly, tears flow and hearts ache just because you told your partner what was bothering you? Are you left feeling hurt, frustrated, and speechless? What you need is a culture of arguing! These basic rules can free you from the endless ping-pong of accusations.
If your needs are not met or are violated, this is a conflict that you should address immediately! Because the more occasions there are, the more fuel you build up inside of you, and the more likely the argument in the relationship is to get out of control. Very few people can talk about their feelings constructively and appreciatively. Numerous studies show that relationships fail not because of the problems but because of the way they are dealt with. If the tone is right, the music is right, the communication is right, and the harmony is right—regardless of whether your problems are overwhelming and your partner couldn’t be more different than you.
The most common mistakes
- Often it is about right, wrong, and guilt rather than feelings. The mean “you message” is always popular, such as: “You did it again…” You feel you are in the right and thus place yourself above your partner, who supposedly did something “wrong”. In doing so, you determine what is right and wrong. But this triggers negative feelings in your partner, who goes into a defensive stance, justifies himself, and tries to correct the perceived hierarchy.
- The same applies to exaggerations and negative attributions. Instead of criticizing a specific behavior, an entire character trait is criticized. This means that your partner learns little or nothing about your feelings and feels like they are being pilloried.
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- Don’t hurt each other, at least not consciously! Don’t take advantage of the other person’s weaknesses. Don’t insult each other! Once things are said, they stick in your mind. Arguments aren’t about hurt and power, but about clarification and resolution—don’t let your hurt and anger lead you. Don’t judge or assume. Be aware that your partner didn’t hurt you on purpose.
- No accusations or allegations! No sarcasm, no irony! No negative interpretations or bogus questions. Justifications, evaluations, devaluations, threats, allies, and witnesses are also taboo.
- Avoid public scenes! This will embarrass your partner. Instead, agree to take a break from the argument and/or move to a different location.
- Don’t shift the responsibility onto your partner. You are responsible for your feelings. If you don’t take responsibility, you have no power to change the situation—don’t make yourself a “victim.”
Golden rules for arguments in a relationship
Talk openly about your feelings, wishes, needs, and hurts! Tell your partner exactly what is going on inside you instead of asking what the hell is going on inside him. Always use the first person. Stick to the specific behavior in the specific situation. Don’t dig into the past.
If your partner shares his dissatisfaction with you, listen to him actively. He depends on you and your reaction. If you don’t respond, it will frustrate him and make him feel insecure. Therefore, show that you are interested, for example, through eye contact, a friendly posture, or gestures such as nodding or an “oh, I see” here and there—without a judgmental undertone. Summarize what he said. This will encourage you and reveal misunderstandings. And ask open questions.
