A deep scar – About the behavior of men after the separation

Some show her avoidable true self, others a seemingly undiscovered side: the behavior of men after separation leaves many women perplexed. Even if you believe that you know your partner, after a breakup he is no longer himself. This is not only true when it comes to your separation, but also when it comes to his relationship.

We do not want to talk to you today about the behavior of men who were only physically interested in you. And not about male beings who obviously had attachment fears or other interpersonal limitations. This text is about the men who really love or love you. And what it does to them when they are separated from you or someone before you.

If a man genuinely loves you , then he has you in his heart. And usually you stay there too. You may know the book (or movie) “The Notebook – Just in a Single Day”. What is pointedly pointed out in this story is the true core of a loving man: his great love embraces him and he will not let you go.

Did he ever love me?

So if we want to look at what men do when they go through a breakup , we should look at three things : their last relationship, your relationship, and your relationship. Let’s start with the latter.

An often-described scene is where a man goes partying after a break and may not stay alone for long. After a short while, he calls you, maybe even crying, probably also had something to drink. If some time has passed, he wants you back and with all your might. This may leave you and many women at times perplexed.

You may first ask yourself: Did not I mean anything to him? And then: Should I forgive him for everything now ? If he was so easy to get back to people, why does he remember that he likes me? And just then, when the healing process starts with you, it hits him and he promises you to change and makes it worse. In the end you are just annoyed.

The three stages of separation of a man

This is just a scenario, but admittedly one that happens quite often and maybe you know it too. Most likely, he is currently going through one of the three phases of separation of the man: At the beginning is the denial.

He feels liberated from the stress of a tending relationship with you, and at the same time he feels completely overwhelmed with the situation. He makes himself and you something, only that this will be hard to see for you.

For you, it may feel like he never loved you or you were totally wrong about him.

But before the pain of separation, the man can not run away, he also overtakes him again and again. This happens in the second phase, when he returns to you for the first time and does not know if he wants to admit his love or keep on pretending that he does not need you. This is also the phase in which you might  doubt your separation , but he will do everything he can to affirm you.

In the third phase of separation , the man has fully acknowledged his separation pain and probably wants you back at any cost. Some men are already very thoughtful, others just do not want to accept. The fact is: Most women are at this point long over a possible return, you have probably already emotionally separated from him.

The fear of powerlessness after separation

With all this, there is one thing for you to consider: The idea that “man” does not have it in his own hands is unbearable. We humans want to explain everything to us and influence everything. The powerlessness that you might have reasons for which he may not be able to do anything is denied and fought.

This very fact that your supposedly loving partner has no understanding for you and your emotions often seals the permanent break for many women.

Although most people part with their own reasons, many, maybe you, assume that it must have been up to them.

When the man comes to the fact that he is often expected to behave socially , always “master” to be able to control himself and his emotions. To let him out of his heart can mean a defeat for him and for society.

He could not hold you, he failed. And for other women, it is supposedly the signal: ” This man is not worth it. ”

Can not everyone manage it?

That’s why you should be careful when a man just comes from a deep separation . He seeks confirmation in you. If this is ok for you, then act on it. But do not think you can ever defeat his love for his ex-partner. Only he can do that.

If he realizes that it is a triumph to be separated from his ex, only then can he really love you. Otherwise, there is always someone on the throne in front of you and you can not do anything about it.

Many believe that after a while, with the new perspective, every woman can convince her husband to become interested in her only. But there is a good reason why you may have already caught yourself how badly you sometimes feel when he suddenly talks about his ex-girlfriend.

If you have the feeling: ” Wait, he still feels something! “Well, then maybe you are not completely wrong.

The competition of love

There are these two beautiful scenes. One partner was cheated.

If she betrayed him, he asks: Did you sleep with him?

If he betrayed her, she asks: Did you love her?

Women know very well that their true competition is the love of another woman. Conversely, you may also know that, if you only have a certain desire for a man , but notice that he has feelings and therefore breaks it off.

Although men are often said to be superficial, this may be true for their nightly behavior, but certainly not for their love. If a man comes from a relationship, then he probably still has feelings for his ex-partner .

If you are in a relationship with him, it is almost impossible for him to feel alone for you. If you separate yourself from him, you can be sure – no matter how he convinces you with his behavior to the contrary – that you will stay with him for a long time to come.

What to do during the separation phases?

The pain of separation goes with a man down to his deepest ramifications of his emotionality. Now we could stop at this point and you may end up pretty hopeless. If it’s true what we say, you can never really conquer a man, he’ll never completely belong to you, and to top it all off, you’ll never get rid of him in case of doubt.

But, as so often, it is the other way round: through knowledge, you manage to act right.

The best way to begin is to admit that separation and bereavement are a man thing to do with himself. You should neither take it personally nor make it your mission to actively influence it.

Often a man nibbles not only on a separation . With the willingness to you, he has set out to embark on the process of healing – maybe even extra for you.

Part of his story

The more you ask him to speed it up, the opposite may happen to you.

To part with a love means for many men to give up part of their identity and their history. It may be that you do not feel good about it. That’s ok, honest. But please be aware that you may sometimes knock him off you if you can not accept him with all his quirks – and his separations.

Of course it helps as often if you can talk about it openly. The second you understand that your ex-girlfriend is not your competitor , but part of his biography, you can go through the healing process together.

Introduce two dialogues :

“I have the feeling that you are still fully attached to your ex! That hurts me! I thought, you only love me and the topic with her would be done! What was so great about her that I can not offer? Was it the sex ? Did you have more in common? Am I not there for you often enough? I honestly believe sometimes, I can do what I want! “

“Let’s face it: I know there were other women in front of me. I know that you have truly loved one or the other, and you certainly have not separated from each other voluntarily. I just want to know one thing about you: Do you honestly mean to me, do you love me? Then let me tell you: If so, I’m here for you and we can talk openly about your past! “

All mourning times aside, there is one thing to recognize: A man gets from you something that his former partner could never give or wanted.

Often he can only love you and be a good partner because he knows his own wounds and emerges strengthened from them. A man who is to part with his past is damned to make his mistakes again and again – and thus in the relationship with you.

Shared separation pain is half separation pain

It is part of the art of man to repress and gloss over the past. A man who deals openly with his phases of separation and his pain of separation , can also recognize what he has in the current relationship. If you realize that you are not going to climb his throne, then take your consequences and do not take it personally.

Many women like to suppress the topic ex and keep silent about it, signaling a malaise. But just when a man can discuss his separation mistakes with you, then a real bond can arise between you.

You may also make the condition that he should take time for himself or with you before you are ready for a deeper relationship. In no case is it about us, that you should relentlessly expose yourself to your feelings.

A partner he can love

You can recognize him by his behavior. Of course, if not immediately after the first few dates, you should talk openly about it if it gets more serious.

Similarly, in the case of a breakup, it helps to make you aware of what it does to him. “The first cut is the deepest” – the first separation pain is the worst, as Cat Stevens aptly noted.

Often this is a phase that completely overburdens the man. Yes, and it can happen that you do not recognize him. He can do or say particularly hurtful, embarrassing or stupid things. Maybe he’s doing something that will make you come back with him – and after a while get back into the same impasse. But that’s a topic for another time.

The fact is, the coping behavior of the man after separation also has an immediate effect on you. If you want to support him, talk to him openly and invitingly. If it bothers you, be consistent .

But above all, do not take it personally at any time, but see it as part of his biography and his task to counter the mourning and to overcome the pain of separation for himself. Then you are a real partner to him , possibly the only one he can ever truly and safely love.