8 Signs You’re Stuck in a Loveless Marriage Don’t Ignore These Signs of an Unhappy Marriage Are you in an unhappy marriage and worried about divorce? Being in a loveless marriage can be incredibly draining. And you may not know how you got to this point. However, problems in marriage rarely happen overnight.
1. You find it difficult to speak politely.
You may feel resentful towards your partner, which makes it difficult to continue communicating. Every discussion turns into an argument because you feel like your point of view is not being heard. You and your partner bring up all the past mistakes and shortcomings. You both end up yelling because each of you is filled with emotions. It takes effort to actively listen. Often, especially after many years of being with your spouse, you stop actively listening and start making assumptions. While assumptions are a great way to speed up the process of getting from point A to point B, they can be messy and full of inaccuracies.
And if all your conversations are full of assumptions, you will never feel heard. And neither will your spouse. Relying on assumptions and not listening to your partner will not lead to a good outcome. Even if you reach a “solution,” it often won’t work. This is because the real problem (usually a clash of values, expectations, goals, etc.) is hidden behind the superficial details of the problem. So, if you don’t actively listen, you may get stuck repeating the same argument.
2. There is a lot of silence between you.
8 Signs You’re Stuck in a Loveless Marriage You’re silent because you feel like you have nothing to say. Maybe limiting contact keeps the peace. You may feel like you need to sort out your thoughts and even be tempted to discuss your marital problems with others. Your partner should be the person you want to share the best and worst moments of your day with. They should be the ones who can comfortably accept your most vulnerable feelings. This emotional intimacy is the foundation of a strong marriage.
When you decide to go elsewhere for that support, you shut your partner out. According to Dr. Shirley Glass and Jean Staheli, authors of Not Just Friends, choosing to share important parts of your day or family issues with others means opening windows to them and building a wall between you and your spouse. The more walls there are between you and your partner, the harder it is to break through. But more importantly, the more open you may be to extramarital affairs,
3. You allow the Four Horsemen into your marriage.
According to John Gottman, a research psychologist and clinician specializing in divorce and marital stability, your marriage is in trouble if these four “horsemen” predominate in your or your partner’s communication.
- Criticism
Criticism is not the same as criticizing or complaining. Criticism is a careful judgment of what you consider to be the good and bad aspects of something. Criticism tends to be deep because it condemns someone’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s a subtle difference, but there is a difference. Criticism in a relationship focuses on the action; criticism focuses on your partner’s character.
- Defensive reaction
Defensiveness is often a response to criticism because you feel attacked. You feel you have to justify yourself and may even blame the opposite. Unfortunately, this is seen as an excuse by your partner and signals that you are not taking the problem seriously. Criticism and defensiveness lead to arguments and rarely lead to good conflict resolution.
- Contempt
Contempt is when you treat others with disrespect, mock them, ridicule them, imitate their behavior, sneer at them, or roll your eyes. It makes the other person feel devalued and worthless while you have put yourself (consciously or not) in a position of moral superiority.
- Stonewall
Disrespect is often a response to contempt. When the listener withdraws from the conversation and refuses to participate, it is a hindrance. It usually takes time for a hindrance to build in a relationship, but once it starts, it can quickly become a bad habit and is difficult to stop.
4. You don’t have sex anymore
Sex is not only good for your emotional health but also the overall health of your relationship. Regular sex with your partner increases your confidence, which carries over into your marriage. It can boost your self-esteem and feelings of attractiveness and desirability. When you have sex, you trust each other, and this creates greater intimacy. Yes, we all have a physical desire to have sex, but there is also a need for emotional satisfaction. Intimacy creates this desire to be close and connected to your partner, which leads to improved marital satisfaction, emotional well-being, and happiness.
5. There is no such thing as quality time—and you might not care.
Do you distance yourself from your spouse when you have the chance because you would rather be apart? Do you spend time in different rooms at home? Do you distance yourself from each other at social gatherings? If you avoid spending quality time with your spouse, you are becoming more and more distant with each passing day. This distance sends a strong message to you and your partner: you no longer value the relationship enough to make time for your partner.
All living things need care. Without care, living things wither and die. Just like a child, a pet, or a houseplant in your home, without care, your relationship cannot survive. Quality time is part of caring in human relationships.
6. You ignore your intuition.
Take a moment right now and close your eyes. Focus only on your breathing and continue doing this until you feel a calmness come over you. In this calm state, ask yourself, “Am I in an unhappy marriage?”
The little voice in your belly that answers is your intuition. It’s easy to ignore the voice in your head, but that little voice knows your truth. You can’t ignore the facts forever. And the longer you do, the more (sometimes) irreparable damage can be done to your marriage.
Your intuition can be very informative if you give it a chance to speak. Find that calm again and continue asking yourself more specific questions.
- Is my marriage okay?
- Do I love my spouse?
- What can I do to fix my marriage?
- Do I even want to fix my marriage?
Whatever questions you want to ask, let them come. Silence and stillness are the keys to understanding your intuition because it comes from your heart. And usually, the first answer comes from within you. Trust your intuition because your mind may try to lead you away from it.
7. You do not take any steps to restore the marriage.
8 Signs You’re Stuck in a Loveless Marriage One way to differentiate between a marital rut and a deeper problem is to answer the question, “How long has my marriage been like this? Is it getting worse over time?” All couples go through periods of marital difficulties, which at times were foreseeable. However, if your marital malaise has lasted more than two years with no signs of improvement, it may be time to seek marriage counseling.
Unfortunately, the average couple waits six years from the time they begin to recognize problems in their relationship before they try therapy. Six years is a long time to ask, “Are you in an unhappy marriage?” And a lot of damage can be done in six years. What may have started as minor mistakes in a marriage can develop into serious problems that are difficult to fix.
8. You dream of life without your spouse.
Or making decisions as a single person again. Imagining life without your spouse is a sign that your marriage is headed in the wrong direction. Regularly fantasizing about being alone emotionally disconnects you from the relationship. You work to distance yourself, hoping to spare yourself the pain. And you set your marriage up for failure.
The same thing happens if you habitually start making decisions that exclude your partner. Do you make financial decisions as if you were single? Do you consider your overall goals or just your own needs and desires?
If you act like you are single, your partner gets the message that they do not exist for you. You do not need to consider their opinions or dreams. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not, you send the message that you do not care. Finding yourself in an unhappy marriage does not happen overnight. Many couples are too busy and simply forget to focus on their relationship.
These were 8 signs that you are stuck in a loveless marriage.
