5 Ways to End Relationship Arguments. Arguments are normal in relationships. If they happen in moderation, they can help strengthen the relationship. There is nothing wrong with arguing with your loved one, as you are both unique individuals with different beliefs and opinions. Therefore, it is inevitable. However, sometimes these arguments become toxic. They can drag on for a long time, including personal attacks daily. In such cases, the parties involved need to find a way to resolve the issues they are facing, otherwise, they risk causing great damage to the life they have built together.
1. Listen
Listening is a powerful tool in arguments. Often, listening to others can prevent many misunderstandings and arguments, and research has shown that listening can have a positive impact on the quality of relationships. Here are some tips on how to listen during a debate:
- First of all, choose silence
The condition in which emotions suddenly take over your body during an argument is known as emotional flooding. This mechanism activates your panicked “fight or flight” response. It is important not to let this damage your relationship. How? Choose silence. When these emotions arise, instead of shouting everything you are thinking, pause and be silent. Allow your brain to adequately absorb your partner’s words before you speak again.
- Make sure you’re listening.
There are few emotions in the world worse than feeling like your partner is ignoring everything you say or judging your words and ignoring them. That’s why it’s so important to make sure your partner knows you’re listening carefully every step of the way. You can do this by using repetitive affirmations, where you repeat back what your partner says but in your own words to demonstrate positive understanding.
- Tell them what you think about it.
If your partner says something that triggers a strong emotional reaction in you, don’t respond right away. Instead, say, “Let me think about what you said.” This simple statement is a great way to acknowledge that you heard your partner and give your emotions a chance to cool down so you can respond with more balance and better positive thinking.
- Say you understand
Finally, once your partner has made their point, clearly state that you understand. (Of course don’t lie and say you know when you don’t; it should go without saying.) This signal tells your partner that you’ve listened carefully, and it allows you to move on to expressing your opinion so that they understand your position. Remember, understanding doesn’t necessarily mean you agree—it just means you care enough to listen and put yourself in their shoes.
2. Focus on the right things
Sometimes the main issues that cause arguments over and over are the things you shouldn’t be focusing on. Yes, some factors are non-negotiable, but often we get lost in the wrong details. Positive thinking may require a slight paradigm shift. Here are some tips for doing so:
- Make some small changes
If arguments about the same thing are repeated over and over again, it means that your current configuration that leads to these arguments is simply not working for you. You need to make small changes that will prevent these arguments and allow you to reach a compromise. Ask your partner what action they would prefer, then tell them what you would prefer and move on.
- Focus on the big picture.
When you’re angry about a particular issue in your relationship, it can be helpful to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. This changes your perspective, allowing you to see if the issue matters and, if so, to determine what the bigger problem is behind it. This is a very valuable step in resolving disputes, as it gives you both a chance to rethink the scenario at hand.
- Don’t get hung up on the little things.
Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in the inconsequential details. But these things ultimately don’t determine the health of a relationship. Life is too short to waste it on such insignificant things, and you’re better off focusing on more positive endeavors.
3. Take a break from your arguments
When arguments get too heated and you’re both losing where you started, it can be wise to give your emotions a break from it all. Here are some ways to do this:
- Stop arguing
Sometimes you need to know when it’s time to stop and walk away from an argument to rest. Emotions can be very strong, and this can lead to you or your partner saying things that neither of you means. It can also prevent you from being level-headed and rational in your attempts to understand the other person. If you need to, simply stop the argument and take a break. Agree on a time to reconvene and continue the discussion, and then go and cool off. When you return, you’ll have the positive mindset you need to continue.
- Prepare safe words
Many couples mistakenly believe that safe words are only for intimacy and experimentation, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Safe words are meant to be used in any situation as a quick and easy way to end certain situations between two or more people when things get uncomfortable or cross boundaries or limits. If you’re in the middle of a particularly heated argument and the tension and emotions are starting to push you and your partner over the edge, saying a safe word that’s respected forces you both to stop, breathe, think, and come back to the topic later with a clearer head.
- Take a walk
Has the argument gone on too long? Take a deep breath and ask your partner to go for a walk with you. The exercise will have a positive effect on pent-up stress by releasing feel-good hormones, and doing it together will allow you both to relax in each other’s company. Hopefully, by the end of the walk, you’ll be able to see the situation more clearly.
4. Fight for a solution, not for a victory
When you think of “fighting,” you often think of a competition in which two or more people try to be each other. In a relationship, that’s not what you want to do. Here are some tips on how to fight smart in a relationship:
- Don’t make assumptions
To solve the problem, you must make sure you understand your partner. Assumptions give you preconceived notions that prevent clear and positive communication. Instead of assuming, ask them directly if your thoughts are correct and allow them to correct you if you are wrong. Always seek to clarify, not assume!
- Discuss behavior, not personality.
If you have a problem with something your partner has done, don’t make it personal. Discuss what they did and why they hurt or harmed you, never who they are as a person. This rule allows you to stay on task and separate bad actions from their characteristics for a more objective discussion.
- Don’t try to win
Arguments between people in a relationship should not involve the goal of “winning” the discussion. The goal should be for both partners to work together to overcome their problems, not for each partner to try to defeat the other. Assigning blame and determining who is more at fault is unproductive and unnecessary.
5. Know when to apologize
An apology is powerful. It is more than just saying you are wrong, and sometimes it is not even about fault. Instead, it is about showing that you are willing to take responsibility. Unfortunately, many people do not apologize, even when they are completely wrong. An apology can be about empathy, taking responsibility, or just plain compassion. It does not necessarily have to be a sign that you are admitting your full fault, so don’t think of it that way. If you were wrong, however, an honest and quality apology is even more important.
